Polar Bear
One day a baby polar bear approaches his mother with a confused expression on his face and says, "Mom? Am I a polar bear?"
"Well of course son!"
The cub replied, "You’re sure I'm not a panda bear or a black bear?"
"No, of course not. Now run outside and play."
But the baby polar bear is still confused so he approaches his father.
The cub asks, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"
"Why of course son!" the papa polar bear gruffly replies.
The cub continues, "I don't have any grizzly bear or Koala bear in my bloodlines?"
"No son. I'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, and by god you too are one hundred percent purebred polar bear!! Why in the world do you ask?"
"Because I'm freezing my BUTT off!!"
Bear in a Bar
This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
The bear says, "What do I owe you?"
The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.
"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn’t been in many bars."
So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars."
The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.
After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.
"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."
The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."
Protecting Yourself
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Two Moscow Hunters
Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.
On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, "About the same place we crashed last year."
Christian Hiking
There’s a Christian who’s hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an angry bear.
The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge.
In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels.
Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear.
To the hiker’s amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer!
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!"
Bear and Rabbit
This bear and this rabbit were talking.
The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit said, "No."
So the bear picked up the rabbit and used it to wipe his butt.
Three Blonde Nature Lovers
Three blonde nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read: "BEAR LEFT."
So they turned around and went home.
One day a baby polar bear approaches his mother with a confused expression on his face and says, "Mom? Am I a polar bear?"
"Well of course son!"
The cub replied, "You’re sure I'm not a panda bear or a black bear?"
"No, of course not. Now run outside and play."
But the baby polar bear is still confused so he approaches his father.
The cub asks, "Dad, am I a polar bear?"
"Why of course son!" the papa polar bear gruffly replies.
The cub continues, "I don't have any grizzly bear or Koala bear in my bloodlines?"
"No son. I'm a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, and by god you too are one hundred percent purebred polar bear!! Why in the world do you ask?"
"Because I'm freezing my BUTT off!!"
Bear in a Bar
This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
The bear says, "What do I owe you?"
The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.
"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn’t been in many bars."
So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars."
The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.
After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.
"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."
The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."
Protecting Yourself
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Two Moscow Hunters
Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.
On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, "About the same place we crashed last year."
Christian Hiking
There’s a Christian who’s hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an angry bear.
The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge.
In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels.
Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear.
To the hiker’s amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer!
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!"
Bear and Rabbit
This bear and this rabbit were talking.
The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit said, "No."
So the bear picked up the rabbit and used it to wipe his butt.
Three Blonde Nature Lovers
Three blonde nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read: "BEAR LEFT."
So they turned around and went home.
