# I think I'll just eat at home from now on.



## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

I haven't done one of my narratives in a while, so I have a doozy saved up for you. This is long, but I promise that those who slug their way through it will be rewarded...if only by the comfort that it didn't happen to them. I swear on a brand new box of Gurkha Black Dragons that the following is _completely_ true, and happened _exactly _as I am telling it.

The setting: a local Japanese sushi buffet. The time: about a month ago.

My girlfriend and I have been here several times before, but this time we decide to bring along our 17 year old daughter, who has never been here. The sushi is always fresh and excellent, and the artistry of the sushi chefs is apparent. They have a more traditional hot Chinese buffet as well, along with a dessert bar. Since I always eat just sushi when I'm here, I decide that I'm going to try their other food this time. The first plate for me has to be cold, though, and it's terrific; fresh kimchee, seeweed salad, sashimi, maki, nigiri - they do it all, and they're clearly on the top of their game this night. Unfortunately, there is a woman seated at a table near ours who has no sense of smell. I know this, because she has emptied the entire contents of her perfume bottle onto her body before coming to the restaurant. My allergies are not amused by this, and they're letting me know throughout the course of the meal.

After my plate is done, I excuse myself so I can go into the men's room and blow my nose. I open the stall door to get some toilet paper, and discover that the seat and floor are covered in vomit. I'm not talking about an "Oh, poor little Johnny made on oopsie," amount of puke, I'm talking about a "Holy crap dude, you drank that whole bottle of tequila?" amount. But I'm a nurse, so it's not a big deal. I could clean that stuff up with one hand, while eating a sandwich from the other. I'm not saying I _want_ to, only that I could.

While I'm trying to balance on my toes to reach over the pond of puke to get some paper, a diminutive Asian man, who is obviously employed there, pops his head in, looks at me, looks at the floor, looks back at me, _smiles_, and leaves. Now, I know what he's thinking, so I want to hurry up and get out of there before he comes back with the mop. Unfortunately, he also apparently moonlights as a Ninja, because he's back before I can toss my used paper in the trash. I immediately throw my hands up and try to tell him, "I didn't do that," (pointing at it, even), but he just smiles at me and says "No problem, no problem!" I try to reiterate: "You don't understand; that wasn't me!" He waves at me and says "It's okay, no problem! You go eat more now!"

I concede defeat, give up and go back to the dining room, head hung in shame for a crime I did not commit.

For my second plate, I decide to move over to the hot food bar; this is the first time I have ever done this. It is also the last. The food over in this section looks just as thoughtfully prepared as the sushi; there are piles of marinated mushrooms, huge king crab legs, vegetables in tempura, frog legs lightly fried in panko crumbs, crispy garlic shrimp...the list goes on and on. I choose several items and take a seat. I start with the marinated mushrooms, which are hot, earthy, and cooked perfectly, with a little snap when you bite into them. I eat them all and move on to the Teriyaki Chicken.

And that's where it all goes wrong.

The first bite is divine, the chicken succulent and juicy, the sauce complimenting the poultry without overpowering it. In spite of it being a buffet, this is clearly not 'fast food,' and I find myself wondering why I hadn't tried this section earlier. The second bite tastes just as good as the first but, after I swallow, I can feel that something is stuck between my top front teeth; it feels like a feather, maybe one that missed being plucked. No big deal, I can pull it out. I try to discreetly reach into my mouth, take hold of the foreign object and begin to pull...

...Okay, I need a brief time out here, because you need to know that my girlfriend has a _serious_ aversion to hair in her food. I mean, it's borderline obsessive. If we're watching a cooking program on television and someone has long hair that isn't covered or tied up, she'll let everyone around her know that she wouldn't eat anything prepared by that person, and how could they allow them on the show like that, anyhow? Here's another true-story-within-a-true-story: We took a trip downstate last summer, and stopped to eat lunch at a diner. The lunch was pretty good, but she had an omelet and found a long hair in it, and _that's_ when the fun began. It's not her fault; she can't help it, but the retching noises coming from her side of the table let me (and everyone else around us) know that we were done. So, knowing what you now know about that, let's get back to the buffet.

I discreetly reach into my mouth, take hold of the foreign object and begin to pull...when it comes out, I am actually dumbfounded. Literally. I can't even process it for a moment, having never had the experience, at least in a location such as this, before.

What I am holding between my right thumb and forefinger is the single longest, blackest, _curliest_ hair I have seen since the early 1980's. I mean, this sucker had a _sproing_ to it. As I was pulling it from between my teeth it was straight, but as soon as it was set free it coiled up like a brand new Slinky.

Now, I know what the cliché is, so I immediately start praying, and begin scanning the restaurant for _anyone_ who may have this kind of hair, but all I'm seeing are Asians and Caucasians, and _none_ of them are sporting an Afro. No lie; there's not even anyone in here with _facial_ hair.

Slowly, it begins to dawn on me that I am the victim of a cook who wanted the night off, didn't get it, and decided to add his own garnish to the buffet. A garnish that ended up in my _mouth_.

Stupidly, and while holding up the hair, I announce this fact to the table...and _that's_ when the retching begins.


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## Swany (Aug 20, 2010)

That was well worth the time it took me to read that. I am looking forward to reading more of your narratives. Although, I have lost my appetite.:jaw:


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## Cigary (Oct 19, 2007)

Great story John. My wife and I used to be those people who ate out more than most people do and it was because of what you wrote about is why we stopped. We started finding "the curly hairs" or something crawling around on our plates that finally made us stop. We still go out from time to time but for the most part it's only once a month now. My wife is a great cook and I find what she makes to be head and shoulders above anything we can go out for except for a place we like going to that serves Louisiana Cajun style food. 

What it costs for two lousy dried up burgers and fries and drinks is $20 - $25 when we can buy a pacakage of 5 Rib Eyes Steaks which are 2 inches thick for the same price. I'd rather eat well than go out for food that sucks and for the last couple of years we enjoy eating at home on our patio overlooking some really good views than to go to restaurants that serve up "surprises"...


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## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

Swany said:


> That was well worth the time it took me to read that. I am looking forward to reading more of your narratives. Although, I have lost my appetite.:jaw:


Lol...Thanks, and sorry 'bout that. 

I don't post them that often, because nothing really happens to me!


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## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

Cigary said:


> Great story John. My wife and I used to be those people who ate out more than most people do and it was because of what you wrote about is why we stopped. We started finding "the curly hairs" or something crawling around on our plates that finally made us stop. We still go out from time to time but for the most part it's only once a month now. My wife is a great cook and I find what she makes to be head and shoulders above anything we can go out for except for a place we like going to that serves Louisiana Cajun style food.
> 
> What it costs for two lousy dried up burgers and fries and drinks is $20 - $25 when we can buy a pacakage of 5 Rib Eyes Steaks which are 2 inches thick for the same price. I'd rather eat well than go out for food that sucks and for the last couple of years we enjoy eating at home on our patio overlooking some really good views than to go to restaurants that serve up "surprises"...


Ain't THAT the truth! It's so much cheaper to just cook but, as I'm the only one who cooks in the family, it's nice to eat out once in a while.

We've actually been back there a couple times since. It was a bit rough the first time, but it's gotten better. I just stick with the sushi now.


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## TonyBrooklyn (Jan 28, 2010)

My father God rest his soul used to own a restaurant. He had a chief named Bobo guy had a dozen kids so my father used to cut him a lot of slack. I caught him coming out of the bathroom. Without washing his hands, i am not talking #1 here but rather #2. I told my father he immediately fired him on the spot. I felt terrible for the longest time i was just a kid maybe 13 years old. My father saw me moping around at the end of the nite. As he was busy all night cooking somebody had to do it. He asked me what was wrong i explained.

To which my father replied son its not the first time i caught him as well. He was warned how would you like it if that was your food. Anyways i saw it in a different light when presented to me that way. I remember thinking he deserved it but still wondered about his wife and kids. Many years later i am taking a girl out to dinner it was in my last year of high school. A great restaurant on ave U in Brooklyn called Fra Mar best fettuccine Alfredo i ever had. Half way through the meal the kitchen is closing we were the last table seated. Who do i see putting his coat on and leaving. None other than the infamous Bobo AKA potty hands. We spoke for a while wished each other well. Fra Mar closed about 5 years later never ate there again. Needless to say i seldom eat out i think i am scared for life.


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## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

TonyBrooklyn said:


> My father God rest his soul used to own a restaurant. He had a chief named Bobo guy had a dozen kids so my father used to cut him a lot of slack. I caught him coming out of the bathroom. Without washing his hands, i am not talking #1 here but rather #2. I told my father he immediately fired him on the spot. I felt terrible for the longest time i was just a kid maybe 13 years old. My father saw me moping around at the end of the nite. As he was busy all night cooking somebody had to do it. He asked me what was wrong i explained.
> 
> To which my father replied son its not the first time i caught him as well. He was warned how would you like it if that was your food. Anyways i saw it in a different light when presented to me that way. I remember thinking he deserved it but still wondered about his wife and kids. Many years later i am taking a girl out to dinner it was in my last year of high school. A great restaurant on ave U in Brooklyn called Fra Mar best fettuccine Alfredo i ever had. Half way through the meal the kitchen is closing we were the last table seated. Who do i see putting his coat on and leaving. None other than the infamous Bobo AKA potty hands. We spoke for a while wished each other well. Fra Mar closed about 5 years later never ate there again. Needless to say i seldom eat out i think i am scared for life.


LMAO! Eew. Great story, Tony. It's kind of amazing, when you think of it, how much trust we place in complete strangers.


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## cigar loco (Jan 21, 2010)

Hope you stay away from the, Cream of Sum Yung Gi soup !!!!! uke:


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## Vwluv10338 (Aug 24, 2010)

Well I figured I could read through all of your story if you could read through mine. 

On a side note I was blamed for vomiting in the middle of the floor in a bar one night. Apparently I was pointed out as the culprit and I discovered this fact when I came face to face with a bouncer trying to push a mop into my hands. There were a few tense moments as I was NOT about to clean up someone elses vomit.


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## EricF (May 25, 2010)

Luckily I have not had a "Hairy" experience like that, but my wife and I do like to go out to eat and since she is a chef by trade, we can eat home and have a better meal at half the price and not have a corkage charge for our wine!

Usually when we go out we rip apart the resturant and come to the conclusion that she can make it and better at home!


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## Tredegar (Nov 27, 2007)

Nothing like opening up a sandwich and finding a pube looking at you.

I have, also, had a dead cockroach in my glass of water before.


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