# God's Revenge on me



## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

Ok, straight from the start: I don't see how this post will offend anyone, but you never know. I mean no disrespect to anyone or their personal beliefs.

Yesterday morning, I'm driving my girlfriend to work and we come around a corner just in time to see something white in the road, but I can't avoid it in time. I hit it, and it's hard. Solid. Neither one of us can figure out what it is. It's too hard for an animal. She, in her usual helpful way, offers up the suggestion of "a human skull in a plastic bag." How I love this woman.

Anywhoo, I drop her off, make the trip home, and try to spot it on the way back. As I drive past, I get a glimpse of it and my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach. _It can't be_...so I turn around, park the car and walk up to it.

I had run over....a bible.

WTF?!? A _bible_. In the_ middle of the road_. I think it was open to II Corinthians, if anyone is curious. I was too flustered to look at the actual page. Instead, I picked it up and put it in the car. I'm not sure why, but it didn't seem right to leave it there. Now I'm stuck with a gimpy bible, because everyone knows you can't throw a bible out.

It was an accident. No problem in the eyes of Kharma, Buddah, Allah (or whatever your personal deity may be), right? Well, last evening, God exacted his revenge upon me.

I find myself a few miles away from home, with no car. Worse, I'd forgotten to bring any cigars with me. It's a beautiful night, and I really want to smoke. I walk into the gas station / convenience store and the only cigars (and I use that termy _very_ lightly) they have are Dutch Masters. The Corona De Luxe. The word "deluxe" is split into two words on the package, thusly: De Luxe. That makes it extra special. And, it's only $1.29! Even after the SCHIP tax! What a bargain!

Yep. I bit the bullet. I actually bought one, and opened it. Let me say this: It's obvious these things are machine made, because any one who hand rolled tobacco like that would be out of a job after their first stick. It didn't just have veins on the wrapper; it had _bark_. As in trees.

I placed it in my mouth and lit it, and immediately realized why they sugar the tips of these things: to try and hide the flavor of the tobacco. It tasted like a wet sock dunked in motor oil. I took two pulls, threw the blasted thing on the ground, and stomped it back down to Hell, where it so obviously had come from.

I really have no point, just wanted to share.


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## RobustBrad (Oct 20, 2009)

Funny stuff.


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## Rev2010 (Sep 3, 2008)

You should've smashed the Dutch Masters with the bible! That would be one heck of a sight to see LOL. Picture going to the store and out front there's this guy smashing a crappy cigar with a run over dilapitated bible - priceless. :rockon:


Rev.


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## slyder (Mar 17, 2009)

the only bible i own is the Machinist Bible 2nd Edition


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## zitro_joe (Oct 6, 2008)

I think that is the fist time I have ever read, "WTF" and "bible" in the same line.:smile:
may god wanted you to read the bible, and the devil wanted you to smoke the cigar?


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## slyder (Mar 17, 2009)

had the devil wanted him to smoke a cigar he would have made a Opus or DPG available


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## Rookee (Aug 5, 2009)

I say for pennance you should read a bit of the bible whenever you're smoking. At least read some of the psalms when you're smoking, you never know you might enjoy it . And i know for sure it can't hurt.


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## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

slyder said:


> had the devil wanted him to smoke a cigar he would have made a Opus or DPG available


Touche, my good man. Bravo!



zitro_joe said:


> I think that is the fist time I have ever read, "WTF" and "bible" in the same line.


You guys are _really_ cracking me up!!


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## commonsenseman (Apr 18, 2008)

Seriously, how do you dispose of a Bible??? I'd feel horrible no matter how I threw it out.


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## Nitrosportman (Oct 26, 2009)

gift it!!!


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## roughrider (Feb 25, 2008)

Haha.


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## fybyoyo (May 7, 2009)

The devil would give you the desire for a cigar but then only provide the Dutch Masters or worse.


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## Stench (Aug 17, 2009)

Your dilemma intrigued me....googled and found this!

_When Hebrew scrolls of the Scripture that contain the written sacred name of God are no longer usable, they are gathered, placed in a coffin and buried in a cemetery with a liturgy of committal. Why not take a Bible that has become unusable, wrap it in a protective cover and bury it with an appropriate liturgy of committal?_

Interesting...I've never buried a book before.


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## mc2712 (Mar 14, 2008)

Pointless stories are theh best kind. Thanks for sharing.


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## Jim2903 (Jul 2, 2009)

What do think God smoked while he rested on the seventh day? I'd like to think it was a Diesel Unholy Cocktail ... :smile:


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## ejgarnut (Sep 28, 2009)

Just be glad it wasnt a koran, or else somebody would fatwah your butt.


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## smokinmojo (Jan 24, 2005)

commonsenseman said:


> Seriously, how do you dispose of a Bible??? I'd feel horrible no matter how I threw it out.


You could Bible knock. You know, lay it on somebody's porch, ring the bell and run! :bolt:


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## PinkFloydFan (Oct 1, 2009)

commonsenseman said:


> Seriously, how do you dispose of a Bible??? I'd feel horrible no matter how I threw it out.


Hey bro.. I would feel bad too. But...

Use your "common sense man" .. 

There are websites for everything...

How to Properly Dispose of a Bible - wikiHow

Respectfully Sir,

Vin..

( Ps.. That is something I have never had to do yet either..)


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## Rubix^3 (Nov 10, 2008)

slyder said:


> had the devil wanted him to smoke a cigar he would have made a Opus or DPG available


Actually, those are the cigars God throws my way...

Everyone knows Satan smokes Acids.


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## Rubix^3 (Nov 10, 2008)

Great story by the way, thanks for sharing.


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## 5.0 (Sep 9, 2009)

slyder said:


> the only bible i own is the Machinist Bible 2nd Edition


My wife has something like the one you have and she also has this one too:
Electromagnetic Compatibility Handbook ....its got like 2500 pages and the paper is about the thickness of bible paper
Correction....its got 2,568 pages


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## blueeyedbum (Nov 9, 2008)

commonsenseman said:


> Seriously, how do you dispose of a Bible??? I'd feel horrible no matter how I threw it out.


Recycle it by leaving it in a motel room?


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## Sirhuffsalot (May 8, 2009)

LOL.

I used to hang with a friend that would say, "God did`nt do that to you, YOU did that to you."


I swore those things off awhile back, after getting a good cigar. They are simply not worth lighting. You might as well just take up smoking ciggies for that matter, they`ll taste better.

Cheers,
Randy


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## Straight Up Cigars (Oct 18, 2009)

blueeyedbum said:


> Recycle it by leaving it in a motel room?


I hear the pages are great for rolling papers...


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## smokin nightly (Sep 9, 2009)

Wow, John! That is a very funny story, thanks!


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## abgoosht (Oct 2, 2008)

thanks for sharing that story bro. in islam it's the same concept, if you have a a torn quran or pages with holy words on them, then you just have it buried. 
But sorry about the smoke, it's time for a mobile B&M! Or cigar deliveries within a 10 mile range!


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## R10 (Oct 4, 2009)

As to what to do with the Bible - give to a church.

As to what to do next time when you have no Cigar and are in gas station - Buy Gas NOT Cigars!


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## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

abgoosht said:


> it's time for a mobile B&M! Or cigar deliveries within a 10 mile range!


YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

What a _brilliant_ idea, S! Anyone want to invest? 

I must say, this post has turned into a pretty interesting discussion. I like when this happens. Who knew there was a whole wiki article devoted to disposing of bibles?


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## JohnnySmokestar (Oct 11, 2009)

First of all, I like your screen name nurse maduro! Anyway, your story was humorous indeed. So as to what to do with the Bible. It would be interesting if somehow you could turn it into a Humidor of sorts. (If it where hardback). Maybe hollow it out and stow some stoges in there. I dunno.

-Smokestar


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## mlbar1153 (Mar 4, 2009)

Straight Up Cigars said:


> I hear the pages are great for rolling papers...


I must of went to college with this guy. :smokin:

Funny story, thanks for sharing.


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## Nurse_Maduro (Oct 23, 2008)

JohnnySmokestar said:


> First of all, I like your screen name nurse maduro! Anyway, your story was humorous indeed. So as to what to do with the Bible. It would be interesting if somehow you could turn it into a Humidor of sorts. (If it where hardback). Maybe hollow it out and stow some stoges in there. I dunno.
> 
> -Smokestar


Wow...like I'm not going to Hell already, I should _hollow out_ a bible?


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## Jimbo57 (Aug 15, 2009)

Nurse_Maduro said:


> Wow...like I'm not going to Hell already, I should _hollow out_ a bible?


Now THAT'S funny!! You really need to wrap that up and give it to your girlfriend for Christmas as a gag gift. :thumb:


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## Straight Up Cigars (Oct 18, 2009)

mlbar1153 said:


> I must of went to college with this guy. :smokin:
> 
> Funny story, thanks for sharing.


You don't have to go to college to learn that trick!:hat:


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