# Einstein's Tobacconist (Bern, Switzerland & Princeton, NJ)



## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

*Cast of characters -*
Tobacconist Jack McNulty (NJ)
Tobacconist Dieter Raucher (Bern)
Albert Einstein (young man in Bern)
Albert Einstein (old man in NJ)
Troy Winslow (crusty codger who hangs out at the NJ shop)
Juergan Hans-Peter Hemmelhausen (crusty codger who hangs out at the Bern shop)
Rabbi Slivovitz (emmigrated from Bern to Princeton the same year Einstein left Berlin for the US - Rabbi S. hangs out at both shops)
Babs (sweet, really cute kid, 22, who helps out at the NJ shop)
Ilse (sweet really cute kid, 22, who helps out at the Bern shop)

(bell on door jingles as Einstein walks in)

"'Morning, Doctor." McNulty mumbled. "Vee gates?" (Jack McNulty knows it means "What's up?" but has no idea it's spelled "Wie geht es"; Jack is a local tobacconist after all, not a German scholar. Jack, however, is a thinker and he always wonders about stuff. He and Einstein get along well now, but it wasn't always so.)

"Ja. Goot morgan to you, Yack." smiled Einstein, puffing gently on a worn-looking bent apple. McNulty never ceased to amaze that a man like Albert Einstein never got the pronunciation nailed down for the letter "J". Yak, he thought, like the animal. He still calls me Yak after all these years. "Can you tell me the time, please, Yack?"

Time, McNulty thought. Time... What exactly is time, he wondered to himself. And suddenly it dawned on him.

...to be continued


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## Professor Mike (Jun 25, 2008)

And the birth of E=MC2 begins. ITs all relative!!!!!!!!!!!



Prof. Mike


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## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

Professor Mike said:


> And the birth of E=MC2 begins. ITs all relative!!!!!!!!!!!
> Prof. Mike


Sorry, Prof., no dice. Jack McNulty, Einstein's tobacconist, is on to something entirely different. I am sure you'll recall that the fundamentals of Einstein's Relativity were published in The Annuls of Physics 1905; this was before he departed for Berlin and still many years before he reached Princeton, NJ:

"During the years from 1901 to 1954 Albert Einstein published more than 300 scientific works! He got his - annus mirabilis - in 1905. He revolutionized the physics of his time with 5 works he published that year. One of these works was about the Special Theory of Relativity. It was published in the annals of physics titled *Zur Elektrodynamik bewegter Körper* _ (On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies)_. The General Theory of Relativity was published in several articles. The final version was published in March 1916 titled *Die Grundlage der allgemeinen Relativitätstheorie* _(The Foundation of the General Theory of Relativity)_. It was published in the annals of physics, too."

- Scientific publications of Albert Einstein


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## Requiem (Dec 6, 2008)

This promises to be a great thread.
Keep feeding it Mister Moo.


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## dmkerr (Oct 27, 2008)

Mister Moo said:


> He got his - annus mirabilis - in 1905.


Is that Latin for rectal cancer? Damn, that sounds painful!


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## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

Mister Moo said:


> *Last episode:* Time, McNulty thought. Time... What exactly is time, he wondered to himself. And suddenly it dawned on him.


Like a bolt of neutron particles to the brain! Time! Is TIME for the Doctor to buy some more tobacco but, darn it, I ran out of his blend last week and forgot to replenish the stock!

"Sure Doc. Lets see.... It's about 9:30."

"About, Yack?" Einstein smiled again in McNulty's direction. "Come, come. Vee don't play fast und loose wizz time anymore than God plays dice mit der universe."

"OK, OK... 9:32 almost on the dot, Professor." It was a stall, plain und, I mean, "and" simple. Jack knew that by playing the "almost" card he would certainly buy some time for him to gather his thoughts and figure out how to explain why the blend-of-blends was absent from the jar soon to be directly in the Professor's line of sight. Time! Time! He needed just a little more time... AND, darn it, he needed to remember what was in the blend that Einstein always ordered! It had been months since he mixed any - What was it? What WAS it?

...to be continued


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## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

dmkerr said:


> Is that Latin for rectal cancer? Damn, that sounds painful!


Your are thinking, "Anus miribilis" or Spectacular A$$hole. While this may be a veiled reference to the author of this thread it is not the case in point for Einsteins Tobacconist. Neither McNulty nor Einstein were known for their exceptional gate valves. Einstein, however, is remembered for his "Miracle Year" in spite of the fact he was less than self-actualized or cheerful in 1905. His papers were a miracle that year but not his life or his bottom.










Einstein - 1905


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## brianwalden (Mar 18, 2009)

Very interesting. Is this an original work, Mr. Moo?


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## tzaddi (Feb 24, 2007)

Good show my friend, do tell!
This forum is but an oyster.


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## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

brianwalden said:


> Very interesting. Is this an original work, Mr. Moo?


Yes. I was first considering a purely fictional work (Ahab's Tobacconists - From Nantucket to New Bedford On A Briar Leg) but felt the research would be too time consuming and that, after a few pages "Thump, thud.... thump, thud.... thump, thud....) might grow wearisome. Besides, neither Herman Melville nor Gregory Peck ever exposed Ahab as a happy pipe smoker. I mean, he threw his pipe overboard so, obviously, he was both a 'Dick chaser AND a dickhead.

"_Ahab's pipe is widely looked upon as the riddance of happiness in Ahab's life. By throwing the pipe overboard, Ahab signifies that he no longer can enjoy simple pleasures in life; instead, he dedicates his entire life to the pursuit of his obsession, the killing of the white whale, Moby Dick._"










Ahab in happier times.

I like to keep to the facts. Einstein's Tobacconist - original and historically accurate.


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## plexiprs (Nov 18, 2005)

This is why Socialized Medicine is good. Mr. Moo wouldn't be allowed to just stop taking his medications and be found posting demented delusions while wearing his Nazi garters and Aztec pantyhose. 





Take the RED PILL Moo, take the RED PILL!

;-)


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## Professor Mike (Jun 25, 2008)

Mr. Moo:
Didn't he smoke Revelation ??????

Prof. Mike:doh:


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## DubintheDam (Jun 5, 2007)

I've actually been to Bern a couple of years ago. The funny thing was we arrived on a Saturday evening, right off I spotted an impressive Tobacconist, but we where only staying 2 nights and the shop would be closed on the Sunday. I remember trying to work out a way to get to the shop (which was near the train station) early on Monday morning before we took a train back to Basel from which we would fly back to Amsterdam. It was just doable, if I could just pop in for 5 minutes. 

But a major obstacle stood before me....my wife! She hates arriving late at an airport or train station, coupled with the fact that I had already bought two pipes and a heap of tobacco in Basel - it was beyond my grasp. I'd even visited the shop on the Sunday evening while my wife took a nap in the hotel...just to check Monday's opening times. But time and my wife got the better of me..in the end I just had to surrender to relativity, for now at least. Needless to say another visit to Bern is on the agenda...soon.


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## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

Mister Moo said:


> *Last episode:* he needed to remember what was in the blend that Einstein always ordered! It had been months since he mixed any - What was it? What WAS it?


Babs, unseen, had been bent over behind the counter quietly stocking pipe cleaners while examining one of McNulty's R.G. Dunn cigars. Suddenly she stood up, straightened the pleats on her Princeton-plaid cheerleaders skirt and smiled cheerfully at Dr. Einstein. She bounced sideways along the counter to McNulty's side and whispered in his ear, "Jack, dear, I think we're out of Revelation!"

Keeping a smile on his face and one hand firmly in his pocket he nodded almost imperceptibly. Einstein meant a lot more to his shop than a few pounds of tobacco each month. In fact... Whoa! Tippecanoe & Tyler Too?! Did Babs just call me dear?

Meanwhile, and at the same instant in Bern, Switzerland, in 1904, the pert young Ilse Spitzenmacher found herself in the stockroom when a shadow suddenly came over the large jars of Revelation tobacco (a house blend) for which the shop was famous. The door was blocked by the incredible bulk of Juergen Hemmelhausen - the grandfather of the Chief of Police and sworn enemy of the concept that photons were particles. He was puffing lustily on his porcelain-bowled Jaegerpipe, his large, fat hands reaching out... Ilse gasped, "Gasp."

Hemmelhausen lurched forward!

...to be continued


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## Mister Moo (Sep 8, 2005)

Hemmelhausens porcelain-bowled "Jaeger" pipe; a German regimental model, probably a gift from his son Johann.


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## DubintheDam (Jun 5, 2007)

It didn't take very long to get to the first 'almost' sex scene? Phallic symbol and all!


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## plexiprs (Nov 18, 2005)

Professor Mike said:


> Mr. Moo:
> Didn't he smoke Revelation ??????
> 
> Prof. Mike:doh:


Don't confuse the Duke of Dairy with the facts ...... Go on ahead Moo, we are all here for you .......


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