# A bit of a long rant, just to help get it out of my mind.



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

First let me start with letting you know one of my biggest, BIGGEST, pet peeves.:anim_soapbox:
Every year around my birthday I start getting "The Question". You know, this question: 'I have no idea what to get you for your birthday, What do you want me to get you?' I usually get a few stipulations about what I can ask for, pretty standard fare really. Not too expensive, I'd like to order it online cause I hate shopping, and My personal favorite, Could you make it easy to get. You know that type of stuff.

Now with those constraints in mind I've told everyone who has asked, I wanted anything on this page besides the minis. mars cigars & pipes - Corncob I also have a giant amazon wishlist that has various priced stuff on it. I maintain such a list for exactly this reason. Here I've given multiple choices for Easy, Cheap, and Online. There's all three constraints in the same package. :yo:

Here is my problem: Everyone who is my "friend" asks me that same question twice a year(Xmas & B-day). Every time they ask I tell them the same thing thats ^up there:banghead:. So far for my birthday I've gotten: A case of carpet foam and a rug doctor rental, A $30 T-shirt, a $45 unusable knife that hangs on a wall, and an iTunes gift certificate printed on part of an old college history report. Since I'm really just some random guy on the interwebz, and you don't really know me, I'll do you a favor. I'll tell you what the givers of those gifts know that you don't, and also, why these are really bad gifts for people to give me. I rarely, rarely wear T-shirts, and even then not usually printed t-shirts. While I do collect cutlery, I despise cutlery that has no purpose other than to collect dust on the wall. I like my cutlery to actually be usable. I am one of those weird people that likes to buy my music on physical media. Not so much into buying music that I can't touch(was brought up on vinyl, odd for an 80's kid I know). For the one gift left is a two part problem. A: The carpet in my house is 26 years old, I can't really use a Rug Doctor on it, and B: Why would you give someone a rug doctor rental and carpet foam?? What does that even mean? When asked they said don't think my house is dirty, nor does it smell bad. They "just thought I'd like it". (I'll leave that bit for you to ponder.)

Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy they at least got me a gift, but why would you ask me what I want if you're not going to bother to listen to what I tell you. Especially when your gift shows little to no thought behind it. For me a gift isn't about cost. It's about the thought behind the gift. Every gift I give has hours of thought behind it, and it is usually either tailored to the person, or if i can't think of something, it's what they told me they wanted. All I ask is some basic consideration; If you can't think of something to give me and have ask me what I want, then at least listen to what I say. :doh:

Very few people get to know me, and when those people show how little they actually pay attention, it really makes me reevaluate if they should be people I should call friends.Maybe society has changed, and I'm now in the minority with things like this, but I was raised to respect people I call friends. All of the people I mention above know I am grateful for their gift, however I also let them know how I felt about the not listening thing. :dunno:

This concludes my Painfully long rant. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. :banana::banana::banana:


----------



## Charles D (Jul 31, 2012)

I think that the Rug Doctor really does mean that your house smells and they think its dirty. There IS no possible other way to explain it! Now that being said, I've never been to your place nor do I know you, so I can't say from experience but I would have to say that's about the RUDEST gift I've ever heard of! Its like someone buying you a toothbrush or deodorant! There's only one way to take that and its not a happy way. As far as the shirts, your buddy might have seen it and thought "Man he'd look great in this!" in which case you can't get mad. Do what I do, ask for booze for every holiday, it never is a disappointment!


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

Charles D said:


> I think that the Rug Doctor really does mean that your house smells and they think its dirty. There IS no possible other way to explain it! Now that being said, I've never been to your place nor do I know you, so I can't say from experience but I would have to say that's about the RUDEST gift I've ever heard of! Its like someone buying you a toothbrush or deodorant! There's only one way to take that and its not a happy way. As far as the shirts, your buddy might have seen it and thought "Man he'd look great in this!" in which case you can't get mad. Do what I do, ask for booze for every holiday, it never is a disappointment!


I have a theory that I was re-gifted the Rug Doctor rental(I have a vague memory of a discussion mentioning mother-in law gifting of the same nature). Also I doubt I'd get booze even if I asked for it. I mean dude, I went so far as to give them $5.00 and lower options on the cob website, plus a wishlist from amazon that directly picks out things I like. Between those two things it's cheap, effortless, point, click, and it's shipped to me gift shopping, and they can't even manage that.


----------



## StogieNinja (Jul 29, 2009)

Beebo said:


> Very few people get to know me, and when those people show how little they actually pay attention, it really makes me reevaluate if they should be people I should call friends.Maybe society has changed, and I'm now in the minority with things like this, but I was raised to respect people I call friends. All of the people I mention above know I am grateful for their gift, however I also let them know how I felt about the not listening thing. :dunno:


Honestly? I'd say you're being remarkably ungrateful. Now, perhaps they didn't listen. But the fact of the matter is, it's a gift. Society _has_ changed. It used to be that gifts were just that, gift. They weren't expected, and they certainly weren't required to be taylor-fit to your personal preferences. It was the thought -by which I mean, the thought that you mattered enough to be given a gift, not that they thought a lot about that gift- that counted. No one would ever consider re-evaluating a friendship because someone didn't give them something they wanted.

Your love language is obviously gifts. Many people express love in vastly different ways, gifts are not something a lot of thought goes into. Be glad you have people in your life who love you, and get over your "gifts." It's not like it cost you anything.

Please understand, I don't mean to be rude. But you posted the rant. I suppose one shouldn't ever send a bomb your way, I'd hate to think they'd get a reaction like this simply because they "can't even manage" to get you something off you wish list.


----------



## jphank (Apr 29, 2012)

Although I agree with Derek to a point, I understand that it makes you feel different than everyone else. It's like you see gifts for other people around you with extreme thought and then yours seem haphazard. Every Christmas I get to be in the same situation you are. My extended family choose personal gifts that are unique to each person, and I get as much Bath and Body Works in as many scents as five different families can agree upon. I sometimes think that just one year it would be great to get something unique, but then I think: Hey, I have a year's worth of girly smelly stuff, and I don't have to go shopping (I hate shopping)!

I won't call that ungrateful, but wishing to feel a little more unique in the sea of your family and friends. Yes, they thought of you and that should be appreciated, but also don't feel bad about making your interests in life known, or giving hints if someone asks.


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

Aninjaforallseasons said:


> Honestly? I'd say you're being remarkably ungrateful. Now, perhaps they didn't listen. But the fact of the matter is, it's a gift. Society _has_ changed. It used to be that gifts were just that, gift. They weren't expected, and they certainly weren't required to be taylor-fit to your personal preferences. It was the thought -by which I mean, the thought that you mattered enough to be given a gift, not that they thought a lot about that gift- that counted. No one would ever consider re-evaluating a friendship because someone didn't give them something they wanted.
> 
> Your love language is obviously gifts. Many people express love in vastly different ways, gifts are not something a lot of thought goes into. Be glad you have people in your life who love you, and get over your "gifts." It's not like it cost you anything.
> 
> Please understand, I don't mean to be rude. But you posted the rant.


No I don't take it as rude at all Derek, in fact that is the reason I posted the rant, to get some outside perspective. I don't know if you are familiar with a zen practice called Peaceful commune. Basically its where someone talks about something with a group outside the perspective of the problem, thereby gaining outside views they otherwise wouldn't have thought of. That's what this post is I hope you don't take this as coming after you for your response, it is not. I actually value your blunt honesty. However to clarify a bit further, because I seem to have not stressed the point I was specifically ranting about, and the cause for me to possibly reevaluate these friendships. It's not, not getting gifts that want that is the problem. My problem with it is that they specifically pressure me more than I care to relate "what I do want". Not only that, they have a list of conditions for me to meet before their getting me a gift so they can be as lazy about it as possible(implying no thought, or effort in the gift giving). I.E cost, has to be online, easy to find online etc... I specifically give them the information they requested, and still yet, when it comes gift time they give me something that they randomly grab something last second without any thought to what they are getting at all. My irritation with this arises from the fact that it is they who pressure me into telling them what to get, by their conditions, and when I finally do they pay it no heed. I am quite grateful for people giving me gifts, but am I that wrong for being irritated with people forcing me to tell them what to get me, even after telling them not to get me anything. Then not bothering to listen to what I say. Not to mention not paying the slightest bit of attention to my likes or interests in the first place? These are not people that I've just met. I've known them all for at least 15 years now they should have some inkling of what to get me without pressuring me to tell them what to get. They also should know me enough to know not to pressure me into me something then completely disrespect me by treating that information like they didn't have it, or rushing to get something random, because they thought my birthday was the wrong day(even after i have told them what day it is every countless time they ask) .
Maybe that is ungrateful, maybe not so much. However you mention "language of love". I will respectfully differ with you on that mate. Mine is not gifts, It is logic, brainpower, and attention to detail, no matter how small. If you can exhibit any of those traits or even put the slightest effort into something you'll've had me at hello.
I greatly value all of my friends, however It begs to question: Is someone your friend if in 15 or more years they cannot be bothered to learn the slightest thing about you? If they think the only thing that holds your friendship together is the balancing of some nonexistent scale. (To clarify, without getting too personal: He helped me, now I have to pressure him into telling me what to get him so I can repay it that way I don't owe him anything{yes it was made clear that nothing was owed}).

I understand, that the way I wrote that first post does come off as bitchy and snarky. Even now as I re-read it I see things that in my aggravation I missed. As they say: Anger clouds the Force, and Hindsight is 20/20.

My basic rant is this. You've know me for varying numbering years all more than 15. You call yourself my friend. Theoretically you then know my personality, and my habits. Why in all that is gold, would you then pressure me for weeks to give you a way for you to lazily get me a gift, then when I finally do, you pay it no heed at all?


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

jphank said:


> Although I agree with Derek to a point, I understand that it makes you feel different than everyone else. It's like you see gifts for other people around you with extreme thought and then yours seem haphazard. Every Christmas I get to be in the same situation you are. My extended family choose personal gifts that are unique to each person, and I get as much Bath and Body Works in as many scents as five different families can agree upon. I sometimes think that just one year it would be great to get something unique, but then I think: Hey, I have a year's worth of girly smelly stuff, and I don't have to go shopping (I hate shopping)!
> 
> I won't call that ungrateful, but wishing to feel a little more unique in the sea of your family and friends. Yes, they thought of you and that should be appreciated, but also don't feel bad about making your interests in life known, or giving hints if someone asks.


Yeah, it is a bit of that. There are a few other things that irritate me, and make me start to reevaluate things as well. A: They can't bother to take basic effort into remembering the actual day me bloody B-day is. I tell them every time they ask, Its on the stupid social media site we're all a part of etc etc... B: They pressure me endlessly to do their shopping for them, so they can lazily click a gift for me, then they completely disregard that effort I went through for them. Which brings us to C: That in all the time that we have known each other they can't be bothered to pay the slightest bit of attention to our interactions to know basics of what I like and don't.

I know it may seem petty or bitchy, but logically, common scenically, I can't fathom doing that to someone I consider my friend. That is what makes me want to reevaluate.

To paraphrase an old parable: When you invest a lifetime into caring for a fruit tree, nurturing, feeding, keeping. You expect it to grow, not stagnate.


----------



## Baron_Null (Jul 25, 2012)

Before completely re-evaluating your friendship with them based off of gifts, I would look at the gift-giving thing from a different perspecitve. If they can't remember birthdays, that might just mean that they are awful at remembering dates. I suffer from that problem. One of my friends whom I rarely talk to anymore still wishes me a happy birthday every year. However, no matter how hard I try, I always forget to do the same in return.

When it comes to actual gift-giving, they might be bad at that as well. And embarrassing as it is to admit it, I would probably do something like the rug doctor thing if I started panicking. 

To me it sounds as though they are trying to be thoughtful. You have an old carpet- give a gift that helps make it last longer! I know I've complained enough to my friends about my carpet that it would make a rug doctor rental a logical gift. You like cutlery- give a knife! They might not have seen the useless factor of the knife as clearly as you. Or perhaps they thought that you needed a fancy wall-hanger knife as well as your practical ones, or that you have the practical part covered already. You like music- give the gift of allowing you to choose what music to buy! If they see that you have a bunch of records or cd's, they might think that you would prefer to have music that takes up less space. My mother, for example, has hundreds of cd's, and would like less clutter, so she prefers getting music off of i-Tunes.

Of course, I could be completely off base here, but that's what it seems like to me.


----------



## Scott W. (Jul 10, 2008)

I agree with Derek, just sayin.


----------



## smelvis (Sep 7, 2009)

Aninjaforallseasons said:


> Honestly? I'd say you're being remarkably ungrateful. Now, perhaps they didn't listen. But the fact of the matter is, it's a gift. Society _has_ changed. It used to be that gifts were just that, gift. They weren't expected, and they certainly weren't required to be taylor-fit to your personal preferences. It was the thought -by which I mean, the thought that you mattered enough to be given a gift, not that they thought a lot about that gift- that counted. No one would ever consider re-evaluating a friendship because someone didn't give them something they wanted.
> 
> Your love language is obviously gifts. Many people express love in vastly different ways, gifts are not something a lot of thought goes into. Be glad you have people in your life who love you, and get over your "gifts." It's not like it cost you anything.
> 
> Please understand, I don't mean to be rude. But you posted the rant. I suppose one shouldn't ever send a bomb your way, I'd hate to think they'd get a reaction like this simply because they "can't even manage" to get you something off you wish list.


Ditto
Wait till you get none because you complain so much about them.


----------



## mikebjrtx (May 21, 2012)

If you get crappy gifts from your friends, you've probably got friends that give crappy gifts. You are gonna have hurt feelings if you expect people to do what they normally don't do. My wife remembers everyone's birthday. She sends everyone cards, and expects everyone else to do the same. I've had a hard time convincing her that my sister who forgets everyone's birthdays is not attacking her by late gift and card giving. That's just who she is. I'm one of those that are hard to understand. If I remember a birthday and can think of anything to do or give I will, so if you're not on the outs with my wife expect something from me. Now I do give gifts and will help family and friends when their AC breaks down, I have even made cobra payments for a colleague who lost his job from health issues, but if the gift lines up with your birthday it's because of my wife.


----------



## Michigan_Moose (Oct 11, 2011)

smelvis said:


> Ditto
> Wait till you get none because you complain so much about them.


+1 anda:


----------



## gahdzila (Apr 29, 2010)

I don't understand why they would ask you what you want, you point them in the right direction, and they buy you something crappy instead. It doesn't make sense.

Is it worth getting angry over? I don't think so. Is it worth losing a friend of 15 years? Absolutely not, IMO.

So....what to do about it?

Personally, if I were in your shoes, from now on I would politely decline when my friends as what I would like as a gift. If they insist, just ask them not to get you anything. They will probably still buy you a gift, it will still be something crappy, but at least you'll be a little less disappointed if you asked for _nothing_ and got _something._

And perhaps you should reevaluate your gift giving to them. A gift is a gift, one shouldn't expect reciprocity per se. But if you are giving them fantastic thoughtful expensive gifts and they are giving you regifted carpet shampoo, something is wrong with the equation. I think you're well within your right to feel a little let down. But where do you go from here? I guess that's up to you to decide. It's just not worth confronting them and arguing about it, IMO. I'd probably not put as much effort into my future gifts to them if I were you. That sounds callous, but it certainly beats the alternatives (bad feelings on your end, possibly even losing a friend), doesn't it?

Gifting shouldn't leave either party with bad feelings at the end of the day!


----------



## Blue Raccoon (Mar 13, 2011)

I've had lots of friends over the years but we never exchanged birthday gifts. The wife goes a little nuts for the kids considering they are 40 and 38 but that's what she does. The wife and her 2 best friends since before kindergarten exchange small gifts (usually hobby related stuff) and take each other to lunch but no one expect anything expensive. if you get this worked up over getting, in your opinion crappy gifts, maybe it's time to put the tradition to bed. get everyone together and suggest they fund a nice night out for the birthday person and save everyone the time and effort of buying crap the other person doesn't like.


----------



## freestoke (Feb 13, 2011)

I have done my best to stop receiving xmas gifts period, and have begged people not to get me anything, offering that it's my gift to them that they don't have to worry about it. :wink: I also try to ignore my birthdays in toto. :lol: I still get my Truly Fair as nice a bunch of presents as I can locate for birthdays and xmas, and she always gets me super thoughtful stuff, but I've retired from the xmas shopping events. I help her get presents for her family and take her shopping and such, and she sticks my name on them with hers, but I don't really participate except in a minimal way. The sooner you bag the xmas gifts, the happier you will be. Except for your wife/girlfriend (or visa versa), I think birthday presents, per se, should be abandoned by the time you graduate high school.


----------



## Desertlifter (Feb 22, 2011)

In addition to the below, I would add that

a. even though you provide a "list" of wants, people won't typically parse it as "this is ALL that I want." Suggestions, starting points...yeah. Limiting factors, not so much. It's a wish list, not a wedding registry.

b. IME many people are not comfortable buying gifts from things that are not familiar to them. Non-smokers buying cigars/pipes for a pipe/cigar smoker comes immediately to mind. 

c. Maybe the sender of the carpet shampoo (which is unique at least! personally, I would think it a cool gift due to its randomness) wants you to use the shampooer on his/her carpet! Kind of like "hey - it's your birthday - let's go play racquetball." Only with shampoo.


----------



## Fuzzy (Jun 19, 2011)

I read the rant, the points and counterpoints and have to say I wish I had friends:redface:

Then the zen word pops out at me. About the only thing I know of zen is from reading Robert Pirsig's novel about motorcycle maintenance. 

“We’re in such a hurry most of the time we never get much chance to talk. The result is a kind of endless day-to-day shallowness, a monotony that leaves a person wondering years later where all the time went and sorry that it’s all gone. ” 
― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values


----------



## Hambone1 (May 31, 2011)

I don't think my friends have actually ever bought me an item for a gift. We buy each other lunches or dinners. The birthday person gets to pick the location. I see your point but I wouldn't dwell over what item you got from them but just be thankful you have someone in your life that cares enough to purchase anything at all for you on your birthday.


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

gahdzila said:


> I don't understand why they would ask you what you want, you point them in the right direction, and they buy you something crappy instead. _ It doesn't make sense._
> {So....what to do about it?}


 *{-----} This is the point of the post, to get outside perspective on the situation so I can figure out what to do.*

That's the thing that gets me Clifford. Maybe I am still being a bit pigheaded in my thinking, but to me that shows a startling lack of thinking and consideration on their end.

To answer everyone else whom replied that I didn't quote...
Now this part is bold so I can explain this a bit better, and everyone pays attention to it(folks are still for some reason fixating on the gift itself, am I not explaining this well enough?)----> *It's NOT the content of the gifts, I really wouldn't care if they got me a dollar store mop as a gift (I have those on the Amazon) I DON'T care if they do indeed give "CRAPPY" gifts What is upsetting me is the fact they pressure me into doing their shopping for them, when none was required in the first place. If they wanted to be that lazy, why even get anything at all. They were repeatedly told to get nothing. Why would you force someone to tell you exactly what to buy them, then not pay a single bit of attention to it? WHY Why?? They were also repeatedly told when my b-day was, and they are all coming to the group get together thing My best friend is setting up. When you put everything all together {They pressured me do their shopping for them, when nothing was required to begin with. They can't remember a day they have been asking about and have been told about for months. Most of them even put it on their calender.* When a person like me is faced with examples of this nature. It starts to make a person think that they are in an unhealthy one sided relationship. You know putting more effort into it than they are receiving. Which isn't very healthy for this fragile thing known as the human psyche.

I do think I will take Clifford's advice and reevaluate my own gifting procedure.



Desertlifter said:


> In addition to the below, I would add that
> 
> a. even though you provide a "list" of wants, people won't typically parse it as "this is ALL that I want." Suggestions, starting points...yeah. Limiting factors, not so much. It's a wish list, not a wedding registry.
> 
> ...


For replying to you my friend I'll use your same format. I like it, a lot easier to type specific responses.

A. It wasn't a list of wants, not a wishlist in a traditional sense. They specifically asked me to tell them exactly what to buy me; It had to be reasonable cost, Online, Easy to get online, something I'd need/like/use. I did just that. I only use Amazon's wishlist because of the nature of it; I know of nothing else that allows you to do what Amazon's wishlist allows you to do. Herein is part of the thing that angered me. Why demand that I tell you exactly what to get me, then not listen to it. Possibly I gave them too much choice...

B: Accepted and agreed. That is why I carefully put stuff that each of them knows about on the Amazon(I mean I even have a case of diet coke on my Amazon. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE the Diet Coke). This way each of them had selections from their own comfort zone to buy from while still fulfilling all their conditions to me.

C: Having talked to them today when I went to help with their car, I can tell you theirs was specifically a re-gift. They thought the day was last week, (which bugs me a little for, it's written correctly on their own calender. Maybe that's the OCD coming out) and panicked, so they went to the re-gift closet. No big deal, I don't mind now that I know they weren't being rude. They know the implications I took from their gift, They freaked out a bit when we were talking about it. I fixed their car; We all laughed and got on with our life.



Fuzzy said:


> I read the rant, the points and counterpoints and have to say I wish I had friends:redface:
> 
> Then the zen word pops out at me. About the only thing I know of zen is from reading Robert Pirsig's novel about motorcycle maintenance.
> 
> ...


Zen is indeed quite amazing. It is a great thing to work toward. Also I may be speaking for everyone here, But you do have friends. That's what _we're_ here for.
I also like that quote. It reminds me of another paraphrased parable "What is the point of talking if no one is communicating. Talk in of itself is mildly pointless if no one involved takes away anything from it."

Yeah man when I get older I'm gonna be that guy telling all these parables to the young folk, whilst they look at me like I'm bonzo.


----------



## mikebjrtx (May 21, 2012)

I don't think you understood my point. A gift is a reflection of the person giving, not the person receiving the gift. 
Be the person you want to be. Give the gifts that you want to give, because you want to give them.
Invest your time in people you believe are generally good folks, but don't expect them to think or feel the way you do.
You have no control over what other people do, why waste your time on that.
You have complete control of yourself, decide what will make you happy and do that.
If this helps, great. If not, sorry for wasting your time. These are just things that help me.
If I spend time thinking about slight I have received it only makes me feel worse.
If I remind myself that I get to choose how much time and effort I put into the relationship, there can be no slight.


----------



## Commander Quan (May 6, 2003)

A t shirt and an itunes gift card are understandable obligatory gifts. That rug doctor thing thing though is ridiculous. Everyday for the next year I would be emailing and texting them and asking when they were coming over to clean my carpets. Everyday for the next 356 I'd remind them what a lame gift that was.

edit: Unless the Rug Doctor was from a family member, if that's the case you need to give them some grace because they probably meant well, you should see the crap my mother in law has given me. But if it's from a friend, I'm calling them out 365.


----------



## gahdzila (Apr 29, 2010)

With the caveat that we've only heard your side of this story (no offense intended, sir, but in every situation like this, there's my story and your story and the truth is somewhere in between)......



Beebo said:


> It starts to make a person think that they are in an unhealthy one sided relationship.


It kinda sounds that way to me, too.

Reevaluate your relationship with this crew. Only you can decide this. I'm not saying to dump them and never talk to them again, but maybe you should try to *objectively* evaluate how much you put into this relationship and how much you get out of it. *Objectively.* Again, I'm not pointing fingers at you, I don't know _anything_ about your relationship with them. Just saying maybe you should reevaluate things. Maybe take a step back from the crew for a while and give yourself some time to consider things.


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

mikebjrtx said:


> I don't think you understood my point. A gift is a reflection of the person giving, not the person receiving the gift.
> Be the person you want to be. Give the gifts that you want to give, because you want to give them.
> Invest your time in people you believe are generally good folks, but don't expect them to think or feel the way you do.
> You have no control over what other people do, why waste your time on that.
> ...


Oh yeah man I got you there. I just forgot to add your quote to the long list of quotes, and replies I did previously. This is the type reevaluation I was talking about. This is the reflecting I've got to do, that having the perspective from outside the situation helps with. That I thank you for, a lot. These interactions are the reason I joined this community to begin with.


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

Commander Quan said:


> A t shirt and an itunes gift card are understandable obligatory gifts. That rug doctor thing thing though is ridiculous. Everyday for the next year I would be emailing and texting them and asking when they were coming over to clean my carpets. Everyday for the next 356 I'd remind them what a lame gift that was.
> 
> edit: Unless the Rug Doctor was from a family member, if that's the case you need to give them some grace because they probably meant well, you should see the crap my mother in law has given me. But if it's from a friend, I'm calling them out 365.


Ha. I believe that would be an appropriate joke, to go with. Also no they aren't family. Just some folks that I've known for quite a long time, who have become friends over time.



gahdzila said:


> With the caveat that we've only heard your side of this story (no offense intended, sir, but in every situation like this, there's my story and your story and the truth is somewhere in between)......
> 
> It kinda sounds that way to me, too.
> 
> Reevaluate your relationship with this crew. Only you can decide this. I'm not saying to dump them and never talk to them again, but maybe you should try to *objectively* evaluate how much you put into this relationship and how much you get out of it. *Objectively.* Again, I'm not pointing fingers at you, I don't know _anything_ about your relationship with them. Just saying maybe you should reevaluate things. Maybe take a step back from the crew for a while and give yourself some time to consider things.


Indeed Clifford, This is the this the point of this post for me. To get the irritation gone, and discuss the situation with folks outside of it that are not biased toward me. So I can get some other opinions outside of my own in an effort to be more objective about the situation.


----------



## NomoMoMo (Feb 19, 2012)

I have to agree with some of the points brought up by Clifford and Mike. If you are going to reevaluate the people in your life, I think the most obvious question is: "Will I miss this person if they were no longer in my life?". Whether they give crappy gifts, or forget your birthday, or just have some idiosyncrasy that gets on your nerves, if you will miss them if they were no longer in your life, then you should keep them, if not, let them go. 

As for ideas on the gift situation, Since you are already pointing them to Amazon, if they ask you what you want, just reply, "I really don't have a desire for anything at this time, so you really don't have get me anything, but if you insist, just get me an Amazon gift card and I can decide later." And if they still give you something that you didn't want, you just gift them a fruit cake and a box of Ron Mexico's for Christmas.


----------



## Fuzzy (Jun 19, 2011)

NomoMoMo said:


> And if they still give you something that you didn't want, you just gift them a fruit cake and a box of Ron Mexico's for Christmas.


Bill, you are one vindictive individual! I would rather not get a gift than get those.


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

NomoMoMo said:


> I have to agree with some of the points brought up by Clifford and Mike. If you are going to reevaluate the people in your life, I think the most obvious question is: "Will I miss this person if they were no longer in my life?". Whether they give crappy gifts, or forget your birthday, or just have some idiosyncrasy that gets on your nerves, if you will miss them if they were no longer in your life, then you should keep them, if not, let them go.
> 
> As for ideas on the gift situation, Since you are already pointing them to Amazon, if they ask you what you want, just reply, "I really don't have a desire for anything at this time, so you really don't have get me anything, but if you insist, just get me an Amazon gift card and I can decide later." And if they still give you something that you didn't want, you just gift them a fruit cake and a box of Ron Mexico's for Christmas.


Oooh now there's a plan. I like it!


----------



## Blue Raccoon (Mar 13, 2011)

I agree with the comment if you are out of high school it's times to drop the birthday gifts.. if your carpet is 25 years old maybe they thought you could really use the rug doctor gift. you could just hang onto it and gift it to the next person in line.


----------



## gahdzila (Apr 29, 2010)

FYI - I love fruitcake. Feel free to regift, won't hurt my feelings a bit. Address in profile.

:mrgreen:


----------



## StogieNinja (Jul 29, 2009)

Josh, I just wanted to pop in and apologize for the way I posted last night. It was late and I didn't edit myself. I stand by the points I made, but the _way _I said it came off as rude and condescending, and for that I do sincerely apologize.

I guess the one thing I'd come back to is that if you love these people, you just gotta learn to get over their quirks, and that includes their thoughtlessness. If you love these friends, you need to forgive them and move on so that bitterness doesn't poison your relationship with them, because inevitably, it will. If you love these people, remember that this is just how they're going to be, and don't expect anything less. Don't be irritated next year when they ask you all the same questions. Expect it, and learn to love them for it.

An example of this is my underwear. Bear (bare?) with me... my wife used to get really irritated that I would always leave my boxers on the floor when I got in the shower in the morning. However, after a time, she realized that irritation was beginning to border on bitterness, and she realized that picking them up and forgiving me my thoughtlessness was one way she could show love to me. She also realized I wasn't doing it on purpose, and so she shouldn't harbor anger or bitterness about it, and instead decided that forgiving me every morning and picking them up after me would be just a very small way to show her love for me. She's been doing that for years now. Every morning, she picks them up when I've left for work, and instead of it bothering her, she actually looks forward to it every morning now, because it reminds her of what makes our love work. She didn't tell me this until recently, so I never knew, but she's been performing this tiny act of service for me (cleaning up after me, and not ever reprimanding me for it) as a reminder to herself of what makes love work for years now.

The exact same situation occurred the opposite direction with toilet paper. She never, ever removes the old cardboard tube, and instead rests the fresh roll on top of it and just leaves it there. She's been doing that for years, and initially it really annoyed me. But after a short while, I realized she just hated doing that particular task, so instead of saying anything to her, I just started doing it myself. And now, when I see a fresh roll of toilet paper sitting on top of the empty tube, I change it and it reminds me how much I love my wife.

When we love someone, we will look for opportunities to forgive and overlook perceived sleights. That's just how love works.


----------



## jphank (Apr 29, 2012)

Funny you should mention the toilet paper tube. I just don't do that job, either. My son started doing it for me without saying a word, and I had to point out to him that I appreciated that little random act of kindness. The smile on his face was priceless and I could tell her appreciated that I noticed.


----------



## Variables (Dec 2, 2009)

NomoMoMo said:


> ... And if they still give you something that you didn't want, you just gift them a fruit cake and a box of Ron Mexico's for Christmas.


I LOVE Fruit Cake. Wanna be my friend?


----------



## Variables (Dec 2, 2009)

gahdzila said:


> FYI - I love fruitcake. Feel free to regift, won't hurt my feelings a bit. Address in profile.


A fellow fruit cake lover! We can split his unwanted fruit cake then.


----------



## Variables (Dec 2, 2009)

Aninjaforallseasons said:


> but she's been performing this tiny act of service for me (cleaning up after me, and not ever reprimanding me for it) as a reminder to herself of what makes love work for years now.


Great anecdotes all around man. I completely agree with your original post too. A little harsh? Maybe. Sure didn;t sound like you meant any insult or harm.

Good book, BTW :banana:


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

Derek, I appreciate the apology, twas not needed not needed, but I thank you in the spirit it was given. I very much value honesty, and honest opinions. This is why I joined puff. This is a place where People can express their opinions and folks generally don't take it personally. When you are looking for perspective, like I was, you can't have biased people(i.e. the people close to you) offer a completely objective opinion in a situation. Again I thank you for your honesty. Admittedly it was your post, and my subsequent replies that started to calm me down enough to begin to formulate the next steps I needed to take. I've still got a way to go, but at least I have a starting point now. This is what makes Puff great. 

As you and Jessica were mentioning the toilet paper tube, I have gotten really bad at that. I never put the roll on the holder until there is someone coming over. Then the roll goes on the holder. 

Clifford, You may not say that if all the older ladies in the family go on their usual fruit cake gifting spree this Christmas. I had enough last year to fill a large Flat rate box, and then some...


----------



## Arnie (Jan 5, 2009)

I'm late to the party, but I have to put in my 2 cents.

Josh, since you mention Zen in this thread you have a great opportunity here to learn one of the basic tenets of the practice.

That is: you should be mindful and observe your thoughts without judgement. Also you should be detatched, and the questions about what to give you, the gifts themselves, and your friends' thought behind the giving of the gift should not ruffle your composure one bit. The Zen mind is mindful without purpose and ultimately leads to calm. The Zen mind is mindful with the end result of being thought free. 

The birthday, the gifts, the questions about what gift to give, the disregarding of the gift suggestions, and the impractical and stupid gifts you are receiving are all a greater gift because they have led you to the place where you can begin to go within yourself and find the truth. 

The problem is quieting the mind, and ultimately being happy. All the rest is a distraction. 

There is a story of a Yogi in India who always had a fire burning. He sat by the fire when people came to see him for blessings and whatnot. They would bring him gifts, quite often money, sometimes rice and other food. Every gift he was given went directly into the fire. The gifts, the offerings, the Yogi's response to the gift were all meaningless in and of themselves. The exchange from one heart to another, the silent acknowledgement of love was real; the rest was merely symbolic.

Josh, thanks for reminding me not to let the external trappings of this life get me down. Don't we all need a reminder once in a while?


----------



## freestoke (Feb 13, 2011)

Arnie said:


> There is a story of a Yogi in India who always had a fire burning. He sat by the fire when people came to see him for blessings and whatnot. They would bring him gifts, quite often money, sometimes rice and other food. Every gift he was given went directly into the fire. The gifts, the offerings, the Yogi's response to the gift were all meaningless in and of themselves. The exchange from one heart to another, the silent acknowledgement of love was real; the rest was merely symbolic.


Bringing a log would really confuse the issue.


----------



## Andrewdk (Feb 3, 2011)

I kinda get where you're going with this Josh, I've had plenty of gifts that were no where in my ball park. I say thank you and accept it as a gesture of love/friendship etc but you can't help but wonder, a. Do you really know me if you're giiving me a tea cosy when I don't drink tea (metaphorical example only), b. Was this actually a gesture of love/friendship or did you just grab random crap for the sake of osmething to give.

I only take my wife's requests for suggestions seriously everybody else I just say no need thanks very much. Regifting is BS, if you didn't want it why would someone else?

Freestoke if you receive a log for xmas from Australia know that I will be chuckling on the other side of the globe.


----------



## freestoke (Feb 13, 2011)

Andrewdk said:


> Freestoke if you receive a log for xmas from Australia know that I will be chuckling on the other side of the globe.


Wood's plentiful in these parts. Maybe a new loin cloth?


----------



## Arnie (Jan 5, 2009)

freestoke said:


> Bringing a log would really confuse the issue.


Log, cow pie, Kingsford, bring it on.


----------



## MarkC (Jul 4, 2009)

freestoke said:


> Bringing a log would really confuse the issue.


Who doesn't want log???


----------



## Bad Finger (Jan 5, 2011)

All things considered, maybe one of your buddies will see this post and the problem will fix itself?


I mean, if it were my friend who was biatching about the gifts I gave, they would never receive another.


----------



## Andrewdk (Feb 3, 2011)

freestoke said:


> Bringing a log would really confuse the issue.


I didn't think about this till after I posted but what if you bought a can of lighter fluid? That might cause the wisest guru a conundrum.


----------



## freestoke (Feb 13, 2011)

Andrewdk said:


> I didn't think about this till after I posted but what if you bought a can of lighter fluid? That might cause the wisest guru a conundrum.


Good thinking! Bring a log for a man and he'll have fire for one day. Set a man on fire and he'll have fire for the rest of his life.

And Mark, that poor kid looks like he might have been doing too much yoga already. His left arm looks like a serious medical issue.

Slow start this morning. Gorged myself last night on pinto beans, mashed potatoes, cornbread, fresh tomatoes (Kellogg's Breakfast! Heirloom!) and cucumbers from the garden. I think it placed me into a light coma. :lol: Some PA is bringing me back to life, though.


----------



## zephead61 (Apr 18, 2012)

Aninjaforallseasons said:


> Josh, I just wanted to pop in and apologize for the way I posted last night. It was late and I didn't edit myself. I stand by the points I made, but the _way _I said it came off as rude and condescending, and for that I do sincerely apologize.
> 
> I guess the one thing I'd come back to is that if you love these people, you just gotta learn to get over their quirks, and that includes their thoughtlessness. If you love these friends, you need to forgive them and move on so that bitterness doesn't poison your relationship with them, because inevitably, it will. If you love these people, remember that this is just how they're going to be, and don't expect anything less. Don't be irritated next year when they ask you all the same questions. Expect it, and learn to love them for it.
> 
> ...


Just remember, if you're going to change the toilet paper, make sure the flap is facing down!


----------



## hardcz (Aug 1, 2007)

why is this thread still going on?


----------



## Bad Finger (Jan 5, 2011)

hardcz said:


> why is this thread still going on?


Because you keep posting in it! haha


----------



## hardcz (Aug 1, 2007)

Bad Finger said:


> Because you keep posting in it! haha


I skimmed like 3 posts, barely read the OP, and then jumped to the end.....


----------



## freestoke (Feb 13, 2011)

hardcz said:


> why is this thread still going on?


We have a rant thread already, but the world being what it is, I think we need two.







This thread is more cathartic in tone: make that "my" generic, ala Alcoholics anonymous, "My name is hardcz, and I'm a ranter."

Face it, Dan, you feel better ranting about this thread still going on, now don't you?


----------



## Beebo (Apr 15, 2012)

Since I'm the starter of this thread, I'll say that this thread is still going on because the guys here at puff are giving me a nice Birthday present by giving me some humor to work through a difficult situation. Which personally I thank them for, a lot. Great community here full of wonderful people.

For Dan (hardcz) Andrew summed up the thread and my rant quite well a few posts ago.



Andrewdk said:


> I kinda get where you're going with this Josh, I've had plenty of gifts that were no where in my ball park. I say thank you and accept it as a gesture of love/friendship etc but you can't help but wonder, a. Do you really know me if you're giving me a tea cosy when I don't drink tea (metaphorical example only), b. Was this actually a gesture of love/friendship or did you just grab random crap for the sake of something to give.
> 
> I only take my wife's requests for suggestions seriously everybody else I just say no need thanks very much. Regifting is BS, if you didn't want it why would someone else?


As for the situation update for folks jumping to the end to see what happened:

All things considered I've gotten it mostly figured out. The basic problem was it was actually option B: in Andrew's post above. For some reason people don't understand a bluntly honest person. Meaning They thought I was just telling them I didn't want a gift when I really did want one, and the gifts they forced me to tell them to get me weren't stuff I really wanted. So they just grabbed something for the sake of something to give instead of something thoughtful because they "didn't have time to figure out what to get me". As far as my reevaluation went, I have decided to take a mixture of advice from this thread.

Now just to figure out what pattern loin cloth to get Jim (freestroke) for Christmas.

EDIT: 
Also as a positive note. An acquaintance gave me a good bit of uncased tobacco for my birthday, so I could try my hand at flavoring and casing it. Which I am really, really excited about.


----------



## freestoke (Feb 13, 2011)

Beebo said:


> Now just to figure out what pattern loin cloth to get Jim (freestroke) for Christmas.


Paisley would be nice for a change. As you can see, mine is getting really threadbare.


----------



## MarkC (Jul 4, 2009)

hardcz said:


> why is this thread still going on?


Because we're too darned lazy to go to the banter thread.


----------

