# Special newbie "you got it!" give away...



## par

I'm leaving the country for an overseas posting in south east asia. Will be gone for the next two years. Instead of ageing my sticks i've decided to give them away.

I'm on a plane leaving from San Francisco on tuesday. those who post the best stories, pictures or pretty much anything they feel like (if it's "out there" i give bonus sticks) will be notified via PM on sunday that the sticks are theirs. You will have a few hours on sunday to reply with an address.... If i don't get an addy by sunday evening from those notified you won't get a package... this thread is the only one i'll watch (sorry). I got quite a bit of sticks to give away.

also, for the bay area herfing crew... PM ME, i'm having a herf at hemingway cigars on university ave in palo alto around noon on monday. I'll be serving an early release of my vintage 06 cabernet sauvignon (montebello vineyard) at that time. Around noon monday, it'll be a blast!

so with that - Post away! Anything wacky, funny humorous goes! If i like it, you'll get a PM which means sticks in your mailbox (and i mostly do premium sticks)... 

-Par


----------



## RJT

Let me try it....Not exactly a newbie but...

http://www.discoverynet.com/~ajsnead/allsongs_1/bevrlyh.html

Click linky and sing along.

Come listen to a story about a man named Dave 
A poor soul , barely kept his humidor fed, 
Then one day he was shootin' for some RG, 
And up from the Post Office came a big boom. 
Seegars that is, Golden leaf, Puros.

Well the first thing you know ol' Dave is a FOG, 
His FOG friends said, 'Dave, move away from there!' 
They said, 'Cuba is the place you oughtta be.' 
So, he loaded up the Seadoo and golf cart and moved to Havanee 
ISOM, that is, Palm trees, communist.

Well now its time to say goodbye to Dave and all his friends. 
And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin' in. 
You're all invited back next week to this locality 
To have a heapin' helpin' of their Havanas

Shack Herf that is. Set a spell, Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

Sorry its late, its the best I could do. LOL


----------



## daveteal

The one story that comes to mind is the night my wife and i were fishing on a pier for cat fish like we always do .I light up my smoke and we chat about family things and enjoy the peace and quiet with no kids around.
While in the middle of a conversation my wife hooks into a monster,pole bent to breaking and her yelling get the net.Now of course i first secure my cigar and as i finally grab the net "PING" the line snaps and in a flash there goes my airborne wife clothes and all into the cool fall water lake after that fish.I almost pissed my pants because one ,she was fully dressed and it was pitch black out side and two, she cant swim.
Needless to say the big one got away and i knew i had married a true fishing partner.


----------



## daveteal

Also good luck and be safe.


----------



## bazookajoe

Thanks for the generous offer. Hope you'll still be hangin' out here in the jungle.

Here's my entry (can we post more than one?). Not new, but still funny IMO.

--

101 Ways To Be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme constantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


----------



## dbradley

Very funny.


----------



## fireman43

Top 25 Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving 

1. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
4. That's one terrific spread!
5. I didn't think she could swallow it all, but she's going back for more
6. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
7. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
8. You still have a little bit on your chin
9. How long will it take after you stick it in?
10. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
11. Just keep stuffing it in, it's not full yet
12. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
13. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
14. Gee, mom your gravy is the greatest.
15. Grandma, you got it all over your dentures!
16. Don't play with your meat.
17. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
18. I'm gonna stuff the old bird, then I think i'll cook a turkey
19. Are you ready for seconds yet?
20. It's Cool Whip time!
21. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
22. Talk about a huge breast!
23. I'll cream the onions!
24. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
25. Have you seen my giblets?


----------



## Habanolover

I had a friend that took a cruise to the Bahamas last year and when he got back he called me over to his house cause he had something for me.

When I got there he said "come look what I bought". Yep you guessed it,
Beautiful "BIG" glass top box containing about 50 "Cohibas". These are piramids and about the color of a Partagas Black Label. Now mind you that my friend is over 70 years old and has been purchasing his "Cohibas" in the Bahamas for years. In a quandry I decide to do the right thing and inform him that they are fakes and that glass top boxes are one of the biggest cigar scams going. He proceeds to tell me that he knows they are real
because he bought them at one of the nicest jewelery stores on the island and that he paid about $550 for this special box of cigars. Well he ends up giving me 10 of these things and all I can do is say thank you. I get home and get to looking at them. The wrappers are two or three different colors,and that is just on each stick. Terrible bands etc. Met up with him a few weeks later and he asks how I like the smokes and I lie and say they are fine. Then I give him a real Havana and as he is smoking it he says it just does'nt have that Cuban taste. I almost spit my drink out of my nose.So now anytime I am going out to meet him or think I will bump into him I always carry one of the "Cohiba Blacks" with me and ask him if he wants a smoke. I figure that way I will eventually get rid of them and he can have the "pleasure" of smoking them.:ss


----------



## cigar_joel

This whole thread is "out there" It is for the somo herf. Somehow all of our herf threads turn to beastiality?????? It still keeps me up at night....thank God for good rum!!!lol


----------



## Tripp

I can't think of anything funny enough to post yet, but I hate to see you leave Par.


----------



## TimButz2

the oly thing I can think of funny right now is that my dog crapped in the kitchen this morning and my wife found it by stepping in it. I know its disgusting but it is also damn funny.


----------



## Slow Burn

This is a story that is even funnier now that the person in question has a very prestigeous title.

This past college football season I picked up a weekend job at the Texas A&M home football games so I could get to see the games.

The first few games I was assigned to scan tickets for the Zone Club which is a club for members of the 12th man foundation and is an air conditioned club that sells alcohol.

Anyways during halftime if people want to leave the stadium and return they have to show their ticket stub and get a pass out from me so they can get back in.

Well a couple wanted a pass out to talk to their daughter who was standing outside waiting for them but the wife didn't have her ticket with her. After explaining that they had to have their ticket with them for several minutes I finally let them go as they were within viewing range. 

After I let them out the head of security for the stadium came over and asked me what the holdup was and I explained that the woman didn't have her ticket with her.

He then proceeded to tell me who the couple was. It was then President of the University and now Secretary of Defense Robert Gates that I would not let through.

So needless to say besides the target I sometimes have on my house from the gorillas here may have another one on my house. :r


----------



## cre8v1

*True Story:*

About 10 years ago I was working at a book store in the local mall here in Columbia, SC. I was one of the opening workers this particular morning so I was asked by the manager to go over to the bank to get change for the day. Looking to get out for a bit, I drove over to the bank around the corner and went inside. We had an account with this particular bank so I got in line and waited my turn at the left end of the counter where the line began to form. There were two people in front of me, as the bank had just opened and was not that busy.

Suddenly a teller working at the right end of the counter screams and comes running towards us. I look up and there's a guy walking towards us wearing a heavy green military jacket, black mask, and holding a sawed off shotgun! He tells us to get on the floor and walks directly our way. I was the next in line at this point so I get on the floor and realize that I'm blocking the isle. I hear the guy demand money and "no die packs"! He steps over me to collect the money and I can hear the money hitting the floor one bill at a time as he awkwardly tried to hold the gun and stuff the money in his jacket. The whole time I was praying and actually had a peace come over me and remember thinking to myself, " Well, if it's my time to go then so be it. I've lived a pretty good life." The perpetrator ran out the door and we all got up.

I spent the next 2 hours talking to the local authorities and FBI giving testimony and recounting what had happened. Contrary to his request, the teller was able to slip a die pack into the bundles of cash and the robber was captured!


----------



## shaggy

hate to see ya go par

but on with the show:ss 







Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.



P.S. do i get bonus points for this being my 500th post?
i been lookin for somewhere good to use it and telling you to be safe is as good as it gets

be safe and see ya when u get back:cb


----------



## dunng

Best I can do is to add that my dog has rotten egg gas :c


----------



## cyberhick

This is a true story.

My wife was a school teacher, she was teaching physics and asked if I wanted to come and teach about leavers, gears, pulleys, wedges, etc. Being an engineer, I was a natural for it. This was at a small private school, so I got dressed up in shirt, tie, and my only fitting pair of slack that wasn't torn. Now I go in there teaching, even had an engine model to demonstrate all the different mechanisms, it was cool (at least it was to me). Now as I'm teaching, every kid in there (high schoolers) is giving me weird/freaked out looks the whole time, especially this one girl in the front row who I stood infront of a lot. It wasn't until later that I found out why. See, my wife was trying to get my attention while I was teacher, and it had to do with my slacks. See, to keep my slacks on, I had to hike them far up, almost to grandpa level, and what I didn't realize was that my, ahem, manhood was showing thru my pants quite well. Needless to say, I was quite embarrassed and didn't show my face for a while around the school.

cyberhick


----------



## Habanolover

cyberhick said:


> This is a true story.
> 
> My wife was a school teacher, she was teaching physics and asked if I wanted to come and teach about leavers, gears, pulleys, wedges, etc. Being an engineer, I was a natural for it. This was at a small private school, so I got dressed up in shirt, tie, and my only fitting pair of slack that wasn't torn. Now I go in there teaching, even had an engine model to demonstrate all the different mechanisms, it was cool (at least it was to me). Now as I'm teaching, every kid in there (high schoolers) is giving me weird/freaked out looks the whole time, especially this one girl in the front row who I stood infront of a lot. It wasn't until later that I found out why. See, my wife was trying to get my attention while I was teacher, and it had to do with my slacks. See, to keep my slacks on, I had to hike them far up, almost to grandpa level, and what I didn't realize was that my, ahem, manhood was showing thru my pants quite well. Needless to say, I was quite embarrassed and didn't show my face for a while around the school.
> 
> cyberhick


:r :bn :r :r


----------



## luckybandit

ditto that
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.


----------



## shaggy

cyberhick said:


> This is a true story.
> 
> My wife was a school teacher, she was teaching physics and asked if I wanted to come and teach about leavers, gears, pulleys, wedges, etc. Being an engineer, I was a natural for it. This was at a small private school, so I got dressed up in shirt, tie, and my only fitting pair of slack that wasn't torn. Now I go in there teaching, even had an engine model to demonstrate all the different mechanisms, it was cool (at least it was to me). Now as I'm teaching, every kid in there (high schoolers) is giving me weird/freaked out looks the whole time, especially this one girl in the front row who I stood infront of a lot. It wasn't until later that I found out why. See, my wife was trying to get my attention while I was teacher, and it had to do with my slacks. See, to keep my slacks on, I had to hike them far up, almost to grandpa level, and what I didn't realize was that my, ahem, manhood was showing thru my pants quite well. Needless to say, I was quite embarrassed and didn't show my face for a while around the school.
> 
> cyberhick


but did u get a date?????:r


----------



## Puffin Fresh

Pretty funny


----------



## Puffin Fresh

Another favorite of mine.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/fartingpreacher.html


----------



## Puffin Fresh

My last one this morning..

http://www.holylemon.com/FatKidWantsDate.html


----------



## dstaccone

I have two stories but both happened in this past fall. This past fall I spent a semester in DC working as an intern for the National Republican congressional committee. Well one day as I left the office it was raining cats and dogs and so I stopped underneath the awning of the Capitol Hill club, a republican bar/lounge. Well as my friend and I wait for the rain to clear a bit an older guy starts talking to us and telling me that my blazer is going to be ruined if I don't dry it soon so he takes out his pocket square and dries off most of my jacket. I say thanks a ton and he heads into the club. The doorman turns to me and says don't you know who that was, that Congressman Chris Shays. I was shocked to say the least and it made me realize politicians can be people.

The next story also takes place at the Capitol Hill Club. I was inside with a friend having a cigar and watching Fox News. Well some congressman is on tv talking about the percentage of crimes committed by illegal immigrants and making it seem that all of them are dangerous criminals and the such. In turn I tell my friend that this guy is pulling numbers out his a** and I am sure they are highly exaggerated in order to gain support. My friend answers with a swift quick to my shin and then nods his head to the left. I am not sitting five feet away from this guy as he is directly behind me watching himself on tv. I turned a nice shade of red which I thought fitting as this was the republican club. But luckily this guy was too engrossed in himself to even bat an eye. That was the day that reminded me not all politicians are real people.

Good luck and be safe on your travels.


----------



## JohnDeereGuy

My story is I have been sitting in the Phoenix airport since about 4:50 a.m. this morning (Sunday) and so far my flight home to Corpus Christi has been cancelled and I have to get another flight, go through security AGAIN!! and will hopefully be home tonight before my kids go to bed. If you want to send me some sticks I will not spread my apparrent bad airport mojo around since you are going to be flying. Haha!

Good luck to you and thanks for the offer!!

PM sent.


Jeff


----------



## physiognomy

Hey Par, cool idea... Hope you have a great time is SE Asia... Definitely a part of the world that I'd like to visit one day!

So I have a crass cigar joke for you -

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody" 

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my *****." 

"Oh come on" replies the bartender. 

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you." 

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar. 

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar". 

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that". 

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar." 

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"


----------



## cyberhick

shaggy said:


> but did u get a date?????:r


LOL No, even as impressive as the display was, I didn't.


----------



## Drew

[No message]


----------



## Drew




----------



## Robb01

guy forgets his wedding anniversary.
wife gets upset, tells him there better be something in the driveway that can go from 0-200 in 6 seconds or less.
next day hubby puts small box in driveway, tells wife to open it.
its a scale.



Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: She was a woman.


----------



## Drew

Couple Classic Videos...


----------



## Robb01

Hope you like cats-


----------



## n3uka

nothing funnier than this  



another try:


----------



## C.A.O Brazilia

Well aint got no story, but her is ho i was introduced to cigars.
The first time i ever "smoked" a cigar was on new years eve when i was 15.My grandpa gave it to me. I tried to inhale (i though this stick were to be smoked as a cigarette) but that did not go so well. Everything i ate that day came out my mouth and nose. So for the next 15 years i bought cigars every new year. Why???
They worked very well to lit the fuse on the rockets:ss


----------



## taltos

Again, not exactly a newbie but here is a website for you to waste time on if stuck in an airport. http://www.stophernow.com. Click on the hillary show.


----------



## n3uka

*We might need to do a group buy on this:*


----------



## bazookajoe

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."


----------



## bazookajoe

At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was how to
empower women in the home.

The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said;
"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told
him that I would no longer be doing the washing, After the first day I saw
no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did
his own washing." The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.

The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told my
husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of
enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I
saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of
us."

Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I
would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing,
after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a
little bit out of my left eye."


----------



## MrGudgeon

This is a photo of me during the funnest round of golf I have ever played in my life. Me and my best buddy (lives 2 doors down, we have been like brothers since birth) were both moving away for school the next day, so I organized a round for just the two of us, so we could hang out one on one and say some goodbyes. I brought a couple of stogies for us to light up as we played and all was well. By the end of the round I ended up breaking the hub-cab off of our golf-cart, as a result of trying to hit a ball with my club as we drove by it, ala a polo player. We both laughed so hard out stomachs ached. Sorry to any golf purists out there! :ss So there you have it, my nice little story and accompanying photo of some brotherly camaraderie and stogie smokin'. As a side note, the particular friend in question is now looking into starting up his own humidor at home...looks like I got him started on that slippery slope we all know and love around here.


----------



## Drew

Robb01 said:


> Hope you like cats-


Late Robb


----------



## hornitosmonster

10 Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Women

* Cigars don't get jealous when you look at other cigars.
* A man can have more than one cigar in a night.
* You don't have to cuddle with a cigar.
* If the fire goes out you can always re-light a cigar.
* If you don't like the cigar you can get another one, no questions asked!
* Cigars don't have divorce attorneys.
* CIGARS CAN'T TALK!
* A man doesn't mind being seen with an ugly cigar.
* A cigar doesn't have a mother-in-law.
* You can enjoy a cigar AND watch the game!


----------



## hornitosmonster

Britney's new do


----------



## bazookajoe

Are You a Guy? 

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. 
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male? 

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: 
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: 

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? 

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. 
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. 
c. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" 
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 8 on this test.


----------



## Robb01

Drew said:


> Late Robb


mine are different


----------



## n3uka

*The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
*


----------



## gvarsity

Your fortune cookie should read:

"Your generousity will be rewarded in the future."

This is so wrong but it always makes me laugh.






Good luck. Stay safe.


----------



## bazookajoe

[No message]


----------



## Blaylock-cl

I pulled these quotes directly from the CS Cigar Review Lounges. They're out of context of course, but make for some interesting reading for sure.

Originally posted on 10-22-06, I call it:

*"Noobie Knocking at the Door" *

"I plopped down on the comfy couch and popped in a movie to watch." 
"&#8230;my neighbor came over."
"&#8230;still quite young by most standards."
"From the moment i took it out &#8230;i knew it was gonna be real good." 
"I actually stared at it disbelievingly." 
"The stick is nice, clean with no huge veins and a well formed triple cap."
"Very toothy with a rough finish."
"&#8230;a beautiful sheen on this thing!"
"the next 45 minutes were heavenly"
"Tip is good and chewey"
"So I'm gettin pretty far down on this stick and lovin' every minute of it, 
which suprised me personally because of its thinner ring gauge."
"Sinatra song comes into my head. And now the end is near.&#8230;"
"it exploded with a spicey, peppery flavor "
"Unfortunately my palate is not well defined, so I can't give a good description of the flavor profile."
"Sweet salty on the back of the tongue."
"and when it left my mouth left a subtle taste on the tip of my tongue that i can't quite describe (yet liked alot!)."
"Overall Impression: Still a little young, will only get better."
"&#8230;with some age on it." 
"It was a good Friday evening!"

Wishing you a safe trip and enjoyable stay.


----------



## SaltyMcGee




----------



## xhris

this is probably old, but i laugh so hard every time






Hope you have a safe and productive trip!


----------



## Blaylock-cl

Direct quotes taken from this forum and pieced together make for&#8230;well&#8230;some "interesting" reading. Hope you enjoy this one:

Here's another pulled from my "archives", originally posted on 12-03-06, entitled:

*"My Butt Itches." *

"I don't think my stomach could handle a beer in the morning,"
"and I've been steering clear of hot foods lately" 
Had a&#8230;"Sam Adams then Sierra Nevada"
"Refried beans and salsa" &#8230; "with hot sause".
"I have a fairly high tolerance for hot stuff, but this stuff still makes me sweat."

"All of a sudden, I needed to go to the bathroom."
"I think I heard an explosion ... perhaps more than one." 
"Bombs might be more accurate...&#8230;"
"Uh Oh....Tuck and cover.....Here comes another one!!!!"
"What a little firecracker!" 
"Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle"

"My wife once opened the door &#8230;and was treated to&#8230;"
"&#8230;was unable to breathe properly for several minutes. She covered her face, dashed back into the studio and blurted out what had happened." 
"I decided to&#8230;"&#8230;"Empty the stinky because it is full or
B) get to the point where I empty the stinky because I can't stand it anymore!" 
"After suffering sporadic burning and sputtering" 
"Before you knew it, the deed was done and only the fondest of memory existed."

"I am concerned about the transfer of scent over time."
"I may opt for the Oust fans."
"I am just going to invest in an air sanitizer for the man room, that way I can save my worries for other things"

Uh oh&#8230;"My butt itches"&#8230;again!.


----------



## j6ppc

Whoah Par - Nice gesture. Very nice gesture in fact.
Good luck to all participants.


----------



## SaltyMcGee




----------



## Robb01

[No message]


----------



## SaltyMcGee




----------



## Apex

There are only the best pictures ever involving a dog and a child. (He's hugging him, not killing him)


----------



## ToranoFan




----------



## Tripp

I sleep in a drawer...


----------



## Sancho

This story is part funny, part self-flagulation...

Anyhow, I am at a friends place over christmas and we are celebrating in rare form. There were very few of us and I had made the mistake of buying a silver half barrel of fun a debauchery. Needless to say it was a long evening of partaking, later in the evening one of my friends neighbors brings over a small pint of green liquid called Absinthe. I had never heard of this spirit before and he began explaining that it is not available in the US blah blah blah and that it had various strange side effects, well I was curious at this point and gave it a try. It was very interesting, and shortly after I had some my memory fades out. I woke up early the next morning while puking into my shoe, Im not quite sure what prompted me to do such a thing and my brand new pair of shoes were now quite ruined and looking hideous. Later after breakfast I was on my way out to my vehicle when my host mentions that his family was coming up to meet him and take him out to lunch. Needless to say I was loading a silver barrel into my trunk to return when his family, his whole family: parents, brothers, sisters, and grandparents watching. I felt like a moron, Im sure my idiocy made for interesting conversation later. Hopefully my moronic youth brought a smile to your face! Stay safe and keep up on CS!


----------



## sepia5

In my opinion, the greatest Daily Show clip ever:

http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/media_player/play.jhtml?itemId=12762

The best line in the report:

"Why do you insist on sexualizing vaginas?"

Also, if by chance you are a Lebowski fan, I love this attached pic.

Good luck wherever you end up!


----------



## n3uka

[No message]


----------



## n3uka

*Bush sandwich*


----------



## n3uka




----------



## sepia5

One final joke I thought I'd drop:

Two married women decide to get away from their husbands and kids for a night and have a "girls night out" in the big city. Normally fairly reserved, the women have more than a few too many glasses of wine with dinner, then proceed to down several more cocktails at a local bar while enjoying their escape from the married life, if for just one night. Too drunk to drive, they believe they can walk the short distance back to the street both live on, but are so drunk they get lost and wonder into a cemetary. They stop to clear their heads, but soon both have passed out on a freshly covered grave. It is not until daybreak that the women regain consciousness and wonder home to sleep off their hangovers.

The next morning, one woman's husband makes a worried phone call to the other.

"I'm really worried about my wife. She didn't show up until the crack of dawn after their night out last night, and she was clearly still drunk. This is not like her at all."

"That's nothing," said the other husband. "I found my wife passed out on the couch this morning, with a note stuck to her ass that said 'Thanks for all the great times. The boys and I from the fire station will never forget you!'"


----------



## GMCCCGUY

Ok here is something I read on another site, made me laugh so hard I cried.

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary: 


8:00am: Dog food! My favorite thing! 

9:30am: A car ride! My favorite thing! 

9:40am: Walk in the park! My favorite thing! 

10:30am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 

12:00pm: Lunch! My favorite thing! 

1:00pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 

3:00pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 

5:00pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing! 

7:00pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 

8:00pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! 

11:00pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! 



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: 

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. 


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. 

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for 
him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... 

for now...


----------



## iceman95

A man has had a dream to go bear hunting all his life, and has finally put together a trip to Alaska to go grizzly bear hunting. He arrives at the small town where he’ll be staying and finds the closest sporting goods store to get all set up – rifle, ammo, sleeping bag, tent -- the works.

The next day, he’s out in the woods early hunting for his bear. After a short time, he sees this enormous grizzly. He levels his rifle, aims and shoots. The bullet is off its mark and grazes the bear’s shoulder. The bear wheels around to see who’s shooting at him and charges over to the hunter, smashes the rifle to the ground, and says to the hunter (talking bear, I know… makes the joke work), “I should tear you to little pieces for shooting me, but I’ll give you a chance to live. You can either satisfy me orally, or your family won’t be able to recognize what’s left of you!” The man thinks about this and decides that he’s still a young man with his future ahead of him, and besides, no one’s around to see… so he takes care of the bear. Of course, afterward, the bear stumbles over to a nice soft pile of pine boughs and falls asleep. 

The hunter then sneaks out of the woods, gets in his truck and makes a beeline for the sporting goods store where he bought his rifle. Finding the guy who sold it to him the day before, he says, “I need a bigger rifle, that little pop gun you sold me yesterday is no match for this bear I’m hunting. This is a BIG bear!” The clerk responds, “Oh, when you said you were hunting, I thought you were hunting for deer or something. You need a bear gun if you’re hunting grizzlies.” So, the hunter gets set up with the new, bigger gun and ammo, and he’s on his way.

Bright and early the next morning, he’s out in the woods again. In no time he spots this same bear. He takes the shot, and this time the bullet ricochets off the big bear’s skull. The bear is dazed for a few seconds, but regains his composure, and charges over to the hunter and smashes the new rifle to splinters. “Alright buddy, I’m gonna give you one more chance. Spin around and drop your pants, and if you don’t do it, I’m gonna turn you into hamburger.” Again, the hunter doesn’t want to die, so he does as the bear asks. The bear really pours it to him, and about the time the hunter is about to regret his decision, the bear finishes up, and wanders off to fall asleep again.

Once again, the hunter hauls ass into town to the sporting goods store. “You don’t understand!” he yells to the store clerk, “This is the biggest bear I’ve ever seen. I need the biggest gun you have.” The clerk thinks about it for a second and finally leads the hunter to a case at the back of the store. “This is a 4 bore elephant gun. There’s not an animal on the North American continent that this gun won’t bring down.” he tells the hunter. 

The next morning, armed with his big side by side 4 bore elephant gun, the hunter is creeping through the area where he’s seen the bear the past two days. All of a sudden, he feels this tap on his shoulder. He wheels around to find the bear towering over him with his front legs crossed over his chest. He shakes his head from side to side and says to the hunter, “You’re not really out here for the hunting, are you?”


----------



## iceman95

One more bear joke.



A man is having trouble with a tooth, so he goes to see a dentist. The dentist has a look and in short order he says, “Yep, just as I expected, you’re going to need a root canal.” So the guy asks him when he can do it. The dentist responds, “Well, you’re in luck. I’ve had a couple of cancellations this afternoon, and I can do it right now, if you have time.” The man tells the dentist, “No time like the present, let’s get it done.” “Alright, let me just give you a quick shot of Novocain, and I’ll get right to it.” says the dentist. The man stops him and tells him, “That’s not necessary doc, I’m immune to pain.” Of course, the dentist is caught a little off guard by this and responds, “Look, this is a very painful procedure. You’re going to need something to numb the area.” Again – “No need, doc. I’m immune to pain.”

The dentist, curious at this point, asks the man how he can be immune to pain. So, the man begins to recount his story. “I’ve experienced excruciating pain twice in my life, and ever since then, I’ve been immune to pain. About ten years ago, I used to do a lot of hunting and trapping up in the Yukon. Well, one day I was out checking my trap line, like I always do, and I started getting stomach cramps. Well, I realized that I wasn’t going to make it back to the cabin before I needed to relieve myself. So, I drop trou and squat down to take care of business. Well, I had forgotten that in that very spot, I’d placed one of my big bear traps. That trap sprung, and those heavy, jagged, steel jaws of that trap clamped down, right on my privates! That was the second most intense pain that I’ve ever felt.”

The dentist, cringing at the mere thought asks his patient, “If that was the second most intense pain that you’ve ever felt, what was the first?!”

The man responded, “That’s when I hit the end of that chain.”


----------



## Mark THS

This one gets me..


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


----------



## bazookajoe

*Dog Haiku*

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.


----------



## SaltyMcGee

Just a few more for good measure


----------



## n3uka




----------



## n3uka

[No message]


----------



## n3uka

par said:


> *will be notified via PM on sunday* that the sticks are theirs. You will have a few hours on sunday to reply with an address....
> -Par


Is this over or do you still want posts?

thanks for the contest and hope your 2 years is enjoyable


----------



## fireman43

[No message]


----------



## fireman43

floydp......................... KASR......................... Dux


----------



## shaggy

> >Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
> >
> >Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who 
> >has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, 
> >since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 
> >He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
> >Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the 
> >worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
> >
> >Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend 
> >more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, 
> >are in charge).
> >
> >His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but 
> >overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old 
> >boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens 
> >suspended from school for u sing mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher 
> >fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
> >
> >Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the 
> >job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly 
> >children. It declined even further when schools were required to get 
> >parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a 
> >student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant 
> >and wanted to have an abortion.
> >
> >Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became 
> >contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better 
> >treatment than their victims.
> >
> >Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a 
> >burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
> >
> >Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed 
> >to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot spilled it in her lap 
> >and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death 
> >by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, 
> >Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
> >
> >He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else 
> >Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
> >
> >Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If 
> >you still remember him, pass this on.


----------



## eyetek

Well this one is for the newbie and that be me!

So here it goes...I hope you like the story, it made me laugh:ss 

It is called "Pretty Lady"

He asked the lady in the train
If he might smoke: she smiled consent.
So lighting his cigar and fain
To talk he puffed away content,
Reflecting: how delightful are
Fair dame and fine cigar.

Then from his bulging wallet he
A photograph with pride displayed,
His charming wife and children three,
When suddenly he was dismayed
To hear her say: 'These notes you've got,--
I want the lot.'

He scarcely could believe his ears.
He laughed: 'The money isn't mine.
To pay it back would take me years,
And so politely I decline.
Madame, I think you speak in fun:
Have you a gun?'

She smiled. 'No weapon have I got,
Only my virtue, but I swear
If you don't hand me out the lot
I'll rip my blouse, let down my hair,
Denounce you as a fiend accurst . . .'
He told her: 'Do your worst.'

She did. Her silken gown she tore,
Let down her locks and pulled the cord
That stopped the train, and from the floor
She greeted engineer and guard:
'I fought and fought in vain,' she cried.
'Save me,--I'm terrified!'

The man was calm; he stood aloof.
Said he: 'Her game you understand;
But if you doubt, behold the proof
Of innocence is in my hand.'
And as they stared into the car
They saw his logic in a flash . . .
Aloft he held a lit cigar
With two inches of ash.


That should do it....that and the fact that this is only my second post and what a Noob I am:r 

eyetek


----------



## Shammy

Incase the PM wasn't sent last night:


My little story:


I am just barely legal enough to purchase my own cigars, but I have been smoking what cigars I can for the last year. When a friend of mine came back from dominican with over 100 different cuban cigars, upon more research I found out that really, these were simply knock offs . of my best friends would be moving from Oshawa (City in Ontario, where I live) to Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I was devastated to hear this, and so me and all of her friends took over a friends house and made a massive 'good bye' party for her.

The hot tub was open, all of her friends were arriving, and I walked down the street to my friend's house and purchased two Romeo Y Julietta's, and 3 Cohiba Lancero's. I had given them away to all the cigar smokers, and had two cohiba's left for myself. Upon getting in the hot tub, I saw her eyes light up when I lit mine with my Silvermatch torch lighter. She asked if she could have a puff- of course, you shouldn't really share your cigars.

So instead I fished out of my towel my wrapped up Cohiba, the last one I knew I could get for months, and handed it to her. I even gave her the last of my lighter so she could light it. It was an amazing smoke, and we all sat around in the hot tub, taking in the 'Cuban' taste. About forty five minutes and a cigar later, she had to go home to get ready for her flight.


I hope you enjoyed my very tiny tale about sharing 'Cuban' goodness, and I hope you enjoy your two years in another continent! Fly High!


----------



## billybarue

par said:


> also, for the bay area herfing crew... PM ME, i'm having a herf at *hemingway cigars on university ave *in palo alto around noon on monday. I'll be serving an early release of my vintage 06 cabernet sauvignon (montebello vineyard) at that time. Around noon monday, it'll be a blast!
> 
> -Par


Very Generous of you Par.

I used to live (2000 - 2003) above Hemingways in the President Hotel (Old Hotel converted to apartments). Ate at Pluos (right next to Hemingways) all the time, Niebaum-Copolas across the street and the Gyro place on the corner. What a great place to live for a few years.

Enjoy the new job,

BillyBarue


----------



## SaltyMcGee

par said:


> (if it's "out there" i give bonus sticks)
> -Par


This post is OUT THERE!!!!!!


----------



## par

Okay.

loved all the posts so far. Anyone who posted up to this point in this thread will get something as long as you PM me your address before 3.30PM Pacific time tomorrow monday! 

thanks for the laughs, i had a great time!

There will be at least two packages with "Something extra"... 

Hurry up and send me those addresses, i'm on a plane tuesday morning!

-Par


----------



## illuminatus

Damn, it appears I'm too late. Oh well, this link is still funny.

yes, it's actually me, and my roommate. My roommate is the huge guy.


----------



## par

Folks,

just packaged up the cigars. But i have a problem....

my local post office only had 19 shipping boxes and i needed 26!

So, 5 of you will have to wait a little bit until i can ship them out to you. No worries i know who you are, and you won't be forgotten. I'm asking the wifey to make sure the sticks go out to you....

But in the meantime 19 boxes are on the way. Package will come tomorrow. I had two humi's that had to be emptied and they are completely empty.

5 of the packages contain twice as many sticks as the others (but due to the amount of packages i couldn't really load them up like a mad-man). So consider this a well placed torpedoe attack. These are some nice and tasty sticks!

Oh, and for the special packages... I randomly picked who gets them. I have no idea who gets what, it's completely by chance.

Now for the negative part. I got two requests for shipping overseas (ie. outside the united states). Unfortunately i can't do that at this time. As some BOTL's remember i tried this a few years ago and i had a real hassle with customs and i don't want to have the same mess again. I should have said so up front, and for that i apologize.

thanks for participating! and if anyone finds themselves itching to go to south east asia shoot me a message. I'm based in singapore for the next few years but will be travelling extensively throughout asia south and asia north.

-Par


----------



## TMoneYNYY

par said:


> Folks,
> 
> just packaged up the cigars. But i have a problem....
> 
> my local post office only had 19 shipping boxes and i needed 26!
> _*
> So, 5 of you will have to wait*_ a little bit until i can ship them out to you. No worries i know who you are, and you won't be forgotten. I'm asking the wifey to make sure the sticks go out to you....
> 
> -Par


That is some GREAT gorilla math... lets see, 26-19=5...:ss :ss :ss :ss :ss


----------



## Puffin Fresh

This was very generous for you to do Par! Enjoy your time abroad. Get ready for humidity like you've never seen.


----------



## bazookajoe

Greerzilla said:


> This was very generous for you to do Par!...


:tpd: Thanks Par :ss


----------



## SaltyMcGee

Thanks man! Good luck with everything!


----------



## Drew

Thanks for the offer once again! :ss


----------



## Slow Burn

Yes thanks par for the generousity. To everyone that is recieving from par I say we keep him in mind so that when he comes back to the states we can fill thos humi's back up for him. Anybody else with me?


----------



## taltos

Slow Burn said:


> Yes thanks par for the generousity. To everyone that is recieving from par I say we keep him in mind so that when he comes back to the states we can fill thos humi's back up for him. Anybody else with me?


Lets plan on it.


----------



## Habanolover

Slow Burn said:


> Yes thanks par for the generousity. To everyone that is recieving from par I say we keep him in mind so that when he comes back to the states we can fill thos humi's back up for him. Anybody else with me?


:tpd:


----------



## riverdawg

madurolover said:


> I had a friend that took a cruise to the Bahamas last year and when he got back he called me over to his house cause he had something for me.
> 
> When I got there he said "come look what I bought". Yep you guessed it,
> Beautiful "BIG" glass top box containing about 50 "Cohibas". These are piramids and about the color of a Partagas Black Label. Now mind you that my friend is over 70 years old and has been purchasing his "Cohibas" in the Bahamas for years. In a quandry I decide to do the right thing and inform him that they are fakes and that glass top boxes are one of the biggest cigar scams going. He proceeds to tell me that he knows they are real
> because he bought them at one of the nicest jewelery stores on the island and that he paid about $550 for this special box of cigars. Well he ends up giving me 10 of these things and all I can do is say thank you. I get home and get to looking at them. The wrappers are two or three different colors,and that is just on each stick. Terrible bands etc. Met up with him a few weeks later and he asks how I like the smokes and I lie and say they are fine. Then I give him a real Havana and as he is smoking it he says it just does'nt have that Cuban taste. I almost spit my drink out of my nose.So now anytime I am going out to meet him or think I will bump into him I always carry one of the "Cohiba Blacks" with me and ask him if he wants a smoke. I figure that way I will eventually get rid of them and he can have the "pleasure" of smoking them.:ss


Funny thing is, Last Herf we had, Donnie slammed the gauntlet down as soon as we all sat down. Challenge was the Glass Top Cohiba

later that day I decided to take a stand.

I wish I never had, I still feel sick almost a month later. damb wrapper must have been stray painted black, because it turned green about half way down. I still took it to the nubbers. We had dinner drinks and went to a cigar bar this. I smoked a #55 Anejo and it still couldn't wipe that nasty taste outta my mouth. Never again will I try a black Cohiba. Damb Jamaicans. Lesson learned


----------



## cyberhick

taltos said:


> Lets plan on it.


:tpd:


----------



## xhris

Slow Burn said:


> Yes thanks par for the generousity. To everyone that is recieving from par I say we keep him in mind so that when he comes back to the states we can fill thos humi's back up for him. Anybody else with me?


I agree, hopefully we all won't be noobies anymore. Thanks again par!


----------



## gvarsity

I agree 100% even if we don't recieve from him. Anyone generous enough to give away their whole stash deserves a little jungle love when they come back.


----------



## SaltyMcGee

Slow Burn said:


> Yes thanks par for the generousity. To everyone that is recieving from par I say we keep him in mind so that when he comes back to the states we can fill thos humi's back up for him. Anybody else with me?


Absolutely!


----------



## riverdawg

yeah I see par getting hooked the f-up when he gets back!!


----------



## par

Writing this from my cell phone web browser in the lounge at sfo.

packaged up all 26 boxes this morning. Each package holds 2-5 cigars. It's no dogrockets, these are my everyday dog walking sticks.

i hope you enjoy them, wifey isnt leaving until next week and she is shipping it all out today. You should have the sticks by friday. Unfortunately my digicam is packed or i would have taken pictures.


----------



## par

One more thing. There is no preference in who gets what. I just randomly picked sticks and quantities except for one person who i gave 5 sticks deliberately because i thought he posted something over the top....


----------



## JohnDeereGuy

Par, you da man! Im still a big noob around here, but I will DEFINATELY be showing you some love when you get back.


----------



## Twill413

Slow Burn said:


> Yes thanks par for the generousity. To everyone that is recieving from par I say we keep him in mind so that when he comes back to the states we can fill thos humi's back up for him. Anybody else with me?


Absolutely, this is quite a display of generosity. Shipping alone isn't something to sneeze at. Put me on the list for when he gets back even though I didn't get anything.


----------



## j6ppc

Wish you all the best Par.


----------



## Habanolover

:tpd: Awesome display of jungle love


----------



## eyetek

A BIG thank you Par:ss 

See you when you get back...

eyetek


----------



## fireman43

All the best to you Par, and Thanks for your true generosity! As the others have said...When you get ready to restock there will be a airstrike of biblical proportions headed your way from the Jungle!!


----------



## Shammy

I hope I sent my PM on time, it was an hour or two late 


HAVE A GOOD ONE PAR!!


----------



## Robb01

you will definately have a stocked humi on your homecoming, best of luck


----------



## kas

Ok, a couple weeks ago I went to a typical DC dinner as the date of a colleague of mine. She was apologizing on the way in that, while there were media types there, it wasn't a celebrity kind of party. While we were waiting for dinner, I noticed a statuesque blonde walk by attracting a fair amount of attention. Still, I didn't think much of it. Few minutes later, I feel somebody slam into me from behind. This same blonde puts a hand on my shoulder, leans in and says, "I'm sorry, somebody squished into me and I squished right into you." I say, "No problem" and she moves on. The guy next to me leans over and says, "You do realize that was Daryl Hannah, right?"

I know I'm too late, but wanted to share, fellow primates.


----------



## Puffin Fresh

par said:


> One more thing. There is no preference in who gets what. I just randomly picked sticks and quantities except for one person who i gave 5 sticks deliberately because i thought he posted something over the top....


My guess is n3uka... he always wins.

Of course, Par is the biggest winner here! I hope the joy you are giving the Jungle puts a huge smile on your face brother!


----------



## Dr_Trac

wow...for someone to do something like this, that's freaking awesome! 

best of luck to you overseas Par...we'll have to make sure the powers at be here on Club Stogie preserve your screenname so we are updated on when you come back.


----------



## par

No worries. I'll stick around, just won't be able to send packages, bombs and trades for the time being. But i'll enjoy the board. I'm going to go downstairs from my office into the shopping mall and buy myself a nice RyJ Churchill to enjoy in the evening!

i brought with me one of my empty humi's to be refilled starting soon... 

-Par


----------



## montecristo#2

par said:


> No worries. I'll stick around, just won't be able to send packages, bombs and trades for the time being. But i'll enjoy the board. I'm going to go downstairs from my office into the shopping mall and buy myself a nice RyJ Churchill to enjoy in the evening!
> 
> i brought with me one of my empty humi's to be refilled starting soon...
> 
> -Par


Glad to hear you made it safely. You just made most of us pretty jealous. :c :r :r

Does the shopping mall have a nice B&M? Hopefully, the prices are pretty good.


----------



## scoutmaster022

here is one a friend sent me
Lies 
>Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
>Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
>Jennifer, was.
>
>Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
>Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
>Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
>started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
>the eye.
>
>Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
>thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
>
>About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
>mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
>gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
>
>Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
>sure. So he sat down and wrote:
>
>Dear Mom:
>I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
>not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
>that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>
>Love, Brian
>
>Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
>read:
>
>
>Dear Son:
>I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
>you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer
>is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
>now.
>
>
>
> Love, Mom
>
>LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


----------



## par

montecristo#2 said:


> Glad to hear you made it safely. You just made most of us pretty jealous. :c :r :r
> 
> Does the shopping mall have a nice B&M? Hopefully, the prices are pretty good.


The stores are okay, they have much of it but to be honest the best place to shop is at the airport duty free. About half price there vs. the stores in town.

i just had a RyJ short churchill. It was about $18 in the store - a wee bit expensive. you can't smoke indoors here, but since it's about 90's year round it doesn't matter much to me. I had a nice beer at a german brauhaus together with my stogie.

but truth to be told, i like the NC's as well. They don't have much of those here, and i think the whole "americans have to have cubans" has more to do with the fact that it's the forbidden fruit than that they are *that* much more better. I think a La Aurora 100 anos competes well with a isom as does a Ashton VSG.

my few cents,

-Par


----------



## montecristo#2

par said:


> but truth to be told, i like the NC's as well. They don't have much of those here, and i think the whole "americans have to have cubans" has more to do with the fact that it's the forbidden fruit than that they are *that* much more better. I think a La Aurora 100 anos competes well with a isom as does a Ashton VSG.
> 
> -Par


I won't disagree with your statement, I'll take a good tatuaje or anejo over most cubans any day of the week. With that said, it would be pretty cool to go to a B&M and be able to browse cubans as well. Maybe one day in the future this will actually happen without having to travel outside the country.

$18 for a short churchill is a little steep. I guess you will have to stock up next time you are at the airport.


----------



## xhris

Got my package today and WOW!!

AF Anejo #50

AF Cuban Corona

Thanks so much par!! You will definitely be showered with stogies upon your glorious return!!! 

Chris


----------



## Puffin Fresh

Got it today. CAO GOld Robusto and a Pepin Toro!

Thanks again Par!


----------



## eWRXshun

long story, good read. in hindsight i should have uploaded a .doc instead of copy/pasting it onto here in multiple reply posts.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.


----------



## eWRXshun

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.


----------



## eWRXshun

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.


----------



## eWRXshun

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.
"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.
"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"
"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."
"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"


----------



## eWRXshun

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.
"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,"
he ran over the snake.
THE END

cliff's notes: read the story.


----------



## fireman43

Got mine today Par, and all I can say is Thanks brother and truly awesome!! Received a AF Sungrown and a LFD Chisel. Thanks again!!


----------



## iceman95

Par,

Gracias amigo!!

There was a familiar looking package in the mail box this afternoon. Here's what was inside. Any help identifying the nekkid one?

Thanks again, as mentioned earlier in this post, you won't have any trouble restocking on your return.


----------



## theycallmedan'lboone

PAR, I know opsec and all, where in SWA are you heading? you can PM me if you'd like, I'm in the Afghan AOR. Be safe friend. - DB:gn


----------



## daveteal

Hope you get this but thanks for the smokes and be safe.


----------



## daveteal

Thanks so much for the smokes I will definitely enjoy.Be safe and keep in touch.


----------



## SaltyMcGee

Got the smokes today par....










Thank you so much, and don't forget to let us know when you return!!!!


----------



## par

iceman95 said:


> Par,
> 
> Gracias amigo!!
> 
> There was a familiar looking package in the mail box this afternoon. Here's what was inside. Any help identifying the nekkid one?
> 
> Thanks again, as mentioned earlier in this post, you won't have any trouble restocking on your return.


the naked one is one of my fav's: the really famous "Famous 3000" from the original batch!

-Par


----------



## cre8v1

Thanks for the smokes, Par! I got a CAO Criollo and a HDM Excalibur. Be safe, bro! :ss


----------



## Apex

Received two Pepins I've never tried before, thanks a ton man.


----------



## Robb01

Got the cigars today Par, just wanted to thank you again for your generosity, also i had a question, you sent one unbanded that read "CFB Vegas Robaina chicos(?)", on the label, was wonering about that one, havent heard of it before, thanks again


----------



## taltos

Got the cigars today. Thank you Par and watch out when you get back.:ss


----------



## Mark THS

Thanks!


----------



## billybarue

Well here's my dose of generosity from the man - thanks Par!!!!!!!

1) *Famous Nicaraguan 3000 Grande Robusto (1st batch) (6 x 60)* - how do I know for sure, because when I joined here at CS Par was kind enough to send me a bunch of these since production had ceased. This one probably has a year age on it by now I would suspect!!
2) *Fire by Indian Tabac Robusto Corojo (4.5 x 50)*
3) *La Gloria Cubana Reserva Figurados Piramides Clasicas (7.25 x 56)* -- this will be my first, and

correct me if I am wrong on this one but it sure looks like a
4) *Arturo Fuente Don Carlos #3 (5.5 x 43)* This will be my first Don Carlos

PAR this was very generous of you, thanks for doing this for all your fellow jungle dwellers. Be safe and enjoy the new locale and job. I am kind of envious, I always love to see new places.

Cheers,

BillyBarue


----------



## bigswol2

Hate I missed out on this one. Good luck overseas!


----------



## dstaccone

Thanks Par, got mine today. I got the famous 3000, a La Gloria(the one that others have gotten), and a Padilla Corojo. All of them will be firsts for me. Thanks again, and can't wait to get you once you return.


----------



## Drew

Thanks Par! Got 3 sticks today...2 are some fatty box-press looking ones that are unbanded, any idea on these? The other is a Padilla Corojo. :ss


----------



## dstaccone

Drew said:


> Thanks Par! Got 3 sticks today...2 are some fatty box-press looking ones that are unbanded, any idea on these? The other is a Padilla Corojo. :ss


I believe they are the famous 3000's


----------



## bazookajoe

Got some very nice sticks today - 

Black Pearl toro
5 Vegas Apocalypse (I think)
Famous Nic 3000 robusto (I think)

Thanks Par for your generosity! Looking forward to smoking these.:ss


----------



## cyberhick

Dude, got my sticks today, a Famous 3000 and a Flor Fina :ss , not sure what wrapper, but i'm becoming a Fuente whore so you made my day. You're so going to get it when you get back, pay back is a bee-yatch.

cyberhick


----------



## par

The unbanded ones are famous 3000's. Pretty tasty stick imho. These have been in my humi for a year or so by now. most sticks are 1-2 years old.


----------



## n3uka

received mine today. They look great.
Thanks for the generosity. Can't wait for you to get back. :mn


----------

