Malone - Day 138. . . .

Actually, Wolfdaddy said he was going to kick my ass if I didn't come. That's not the same thing as me coming, which of course I'd like to do, but can't realistically.

Malone Missing - Day 773

It's not looking good. As thunder and dark clouds move in to the area surrounding my home, I have just received a dark message from Our Man In The Caribbean. It seems that Our Girl In Hawaii is dead. Details will follow, but there are three reports, all of them upsetting. One is that she was decapitated and that Our Man In Sri Lanka received the head in yesterday's mail. Another is that she was shot full of 97% pure China White heroin and died of an overdose. Our Girl In Hawaii did not do drugs, not the hard stuff for sure, rarely even took a drink.

The third scenario is just as bad. She may have been tied to a chair and forced to watch speeches by New York's Junior Senator, none other than the next president of the United States, Madame Hitlary a/k/a The Dragon Lady. Our Girl In Hawaii may just have been bored and annoyed to death. Details will follow.

As for Malone, Our Man In The Caribbean got to a small, out of the way resort area in Jamaica, just SECONDS after Malone left his room. He spotted the back of Malone's head in the driver's seat of an SUV, pulling away rapidly and heading for The Blue Mountains. If Malone gets hold of the coffee and ganja in those mountains, he may never come back.

Our Man At The Motel Six in Albuquerque has reported that Malone may have been wounded, either by a knife or a gun, fighting evil desperados in an as yet unnamed Central American country. Something about some guys trying to pass fake Cuban cigars to him, thinking he was some chump-ass, know nothing, American boob. These guys are SLIPPING!!! :thumbsup:

Everyone on the C-List knows that I, The Great Dumboni (and there is NO other), am the chump-ass, know nothing, American boob, and I stay out of the Central American jungles as a result. Bad move trying to pull that number on Malone. But if he's injured, it could get infected. Those guys are known to "paint" their knives and even bullets with deadly snake venom, and saying they've got deadly snakes in Central America is like saying Colonel Sanders served a little chicken in his time.

Stay strong, brother. Not sure why you ran from Our Man In The Caribbean, but he's one of us. I know it's hard to tell "them" from "us" sometimes, and "The Bureau", errrr, I mean "The Organization" is sorry for what happened in Montana in '98. The guy even fooled ME for a few seconds. I know we haven't completely made it up to you yet, but we got out of there with a fabulous Plan B, so keep your chin up, and don't let the sun go down on you.

Malone Missing - Day 773

BigTom has it right. Although my mother could be considered somewhat of a professional writer, I am merely a legal word processing temp, who also does some of the same kind of work in a freelance capacity. My writing, if you can call it that, is merely to spread the silliness and mirth throughout cyberspace. When the universe is as stoned as I am, we can all truly hold hands, teach the world to sing, and buy the world a Coke.

:mrgreen: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :angel: :angel: :sm_angel: :giveup: :flush:

Malone Missing - Day 801 (Soap Opera Date Year 3007.2)

It was all a hoax. Our Girl In Hawaii is not dead at all. It seems that Soap Opera Date 2992.835 is the equivalent of the American April Fool's Day.

It would appear that Our Girl In Hawaii had a liaison with a traveling NFL team all lined up and just wanted to back out of doing her job for a few days. The Bureau has ordered a major spanking for her. The only problem with that punishment is that the team has probably given her about six hundred of those this past weekend alone.

As for Malone, he has indeed been spotted in Jamaica's Blue Mountains, home of the world's most expensive and flavorless, but well balanced coffee, and home of a few other things as well. When last seen, he was searching for the home of none other than the new world's fastest man, Jamaican sprinter Asafa Powell. Powell earlier this year broke the world record for the 100 meter dash, and Malone is probably trying to get me an autograph.

The Central American desperados who tried to pawn off the fake Cubans on Malone have been rounded up, and are on their way to Camp Gitmo. They will not receive five times daily prayer privileges or copies of the Koran, because they are not Muslims. They will however, get to eat Noodles Jefferson, Lemon Chicken, couscous and all the other delicacies served daily at Camp Gitmo, because Howard Dean and Amnesty International will be watching.

Although Our Man In Kingston has spotted Malone in the Blue Mountains, he has instructed his men only to ensure his safety, and not to attempt contact. It is a known fact that Malone is a big boy and able to take care of himself. He will only be monitored to see that his safety and cover are ensured.

Breaking News is that Our Girl In Hawaii has ended her five day liaison with the as yet unnamed NFL team, and has been seen stumbling around a beach in Oahu singing an off key rendition of Blue Hawaii, and crying out "Elvis, where ARE you?" Further details to come.

:cryinlaugh: :cryinlaugh: :cryinlaugh: